Happy Autumnal Equinox

Today was a perfect Portland autumn day - cool, just a little drizzly, with a nice, fresh scent to the air after the scorch of Summer.  I ended up going in to work (the latest updates from ACE-IT bricked my computer - it was taking up to 5 minutes for each keystroke to register), and took a little bit of a spin around downtown (nice to renew my acquaintanceship with the various oddballs you meet on the street.) 

The one thing about mostly teleworking - when I do get into the office, I end up spending a lot of time reconnecting.  Schmoozing, helping out...  putting the fear of Deci back into a couple of people who needed reminding that I've forgotten more about the programs that they're using than they will ever know (and damn it, stop trying to insert tables and pictures into the contract writing system!  I told you and told you that 19 times out of 20, it might work, but that 20th time, it's going to freeze you solid, and there's nothing I can do about it because CACI is just going to smugly point out the KB article that says not to ever do that - ok, end parenthetical rant.) 

It was bittersweet, though - I loved being back, but my body reminded me why I don't do this everyday anymore about 1:30 or so, started up the whining, big time.  My mind - my mind is totally there and wanting to dance the night away, but my body has become a grumpy old woman who is just there for the early bird special. 

It's funny, though - I'm sort of following a tree's course here.  I've spent my summer's course of being a solid mass of indistinguishable green, and am breaking out into vibrant fall plumage (in my case, purple rather than red or yellow, but vibrant nonetheless), before dropping into the decay of my winter.  People are telling me that I look better than ever, but I can feel the winter of my cancer creeping in.  Not just yet though.   I've still got lots of leaves to lose before I get there.

Why I Enjoy My Job

So, one of the aspects of my job is that occasionally, we have to notify Congress of projects that are about to be awarded.  It might be so that they can take advantage of it in the local press, maybe so that they know our money is being well spent... 

At any rate, out of 25 years, I've only had one action where I got a question back down the line.  And I thought you guys might appreciate the question...  "Are you sure you meant to say "tainter?"  Yep.  Tainter gates.  To quote Wikipedia "the Tainter gate is a type of radial arm floodgate used in dams and canal locks to control water flow. It is named for Wisconsin structural engineer Jeremiah Burnham Tainter."  And don't even get me started on the erecting studs, or the butterfly sexer.

What can I say?  You've got to find your fun where you can.  In September, it's good to remember the little things.

Doctor Visit Result

Not particularly satisfying result...  my weight has gone up some since last time, and my A1C has not gone down enough (it's 8.6, which is down from the 9.4 it was at, but...)  We're going to be talking again in 2 weeks, but we discussed a possible second option (Plan B), which would be taking the tumor out vaginally.  It's not optimal, but if I can't get to the point where they can do the hysterectomy, this is another option.  She's also going to check again with the morbid obesity guys - she put in a request to them 3 months ago, but there doesn't seem to have been any movement on it yet.  I'm feeling a little down, but at least this time it's just a two week wait, rather than another 3 months. 

Slow Fade Into Inward Facing Turtle Stance

I had one of those 3:00 am epiphanies this morning - I've been retreating from life (or at least from my association with it) ever since my diagnoses.  It's taken me a while to realize it, because I've been managing to blame it on pain or embarrassment or laziness, but no.  I'm spending more energy avoiding other people than it would take to just give in and enjoy them (and I used to be incredibly outgoing, so this is a major change for me.) 

The pain thing is real - my arthritis has spread from just my knees to my hips, my spine, my hands... but I'm not bothering to go in and find out if there's something else I can do to actually fix that problem, or at least alleviate the symptoms, so that's not it.

The embarrassment factor - yeah, not being able to go anywhere because I'm not sure when my bladder is going to take over is a bother, but that shouldn't be affecting my on-line presence, and yet, I've been fading away there too. 

I'm scared.  I got a good look at my mortality, and I'm terrified, and my automatic defense mechanism has kicked in - avoidance, slap a brick wall up and run like hell.  But I don't know where to run to, and so it feels like I've just gone into retreat.  Retreat from everything and everybody.  I've built a shell and stuffed myself into it, and the shell is tightening.  So instead of reaching out, or even responding to those people who are reaching in, I've just been hiding, making myself a smaller target for whatever is out there.  This has got to stop.  So, I'm starting with this post - Hi.  I'm Deci. Please forgive me for fading away - I'm going to try to be more present.