I had one of those 3:00 am epiphanies this morning - I've been retreating from life (or at least from my association with it) ever since my diagnoses. It's taken me a while to realize it, because I've been managing to blame it on pain or embarrassment or laziness, but no. I'm spending more energy avoiding other people than it would take to just give in and enjoy them (and I used to be incredibly outgoing, so this is a major change for me.)
The pain thing is real - my arthritis has spread from just my knees to my hips, my spine, my hands... but I'm not bothering to go in and find out if there's something else I can do to actually fix that problem, or at least alleviate the symptoms, so that's not it.
The embarrassment factor - yeah, not being able to go anywhere because I'm not sure when my bladder is going to take over is a bother, but that shouldn't be affecting my on-line presence, and yet, I've been fading away there too.
I'm scared. I got a good look at my mortality, and I'm terrified, and my automatic defense mechanism has kicked in - avoidance, slap a brick wall up and run like hell. But I don't know where to run to, and so it feels like I've just gone into retreat. Retreat from everything and everybody. I've built a shell and stuffed myself into it, and the shell is tightening. So instead of reaching out, or even responding to those people who are reaching in, I've just been hiding, making myself a smaller target for whatever is out there. This has got to stop. So, I'm starting with this post - Hi. I'm Deci. Please forgive me for fading away - I'm going to try to be more present.
1 comment:
What a powerful post. Do not fade away, ever.
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