Just filled out a survey, asking for opinions about the term "Cancer Survivor", used for anyone who has had cancer. I realized that I really hate that phrase... I am not a cancer survivor. I mean, yeah. I have cancer, and yeah, I'm coming up on 4 years now, when I was initially given 2, and I don't see any real issue with me passing the 5 year mark either. But I don't feel like a survivor.
I'm also really conflicted with where I am. I feel guilty, in a way, because I didn't have to go through the horrors of radiation or chemotherapy like some of my friends. But I'm also angry that I'm still in limbo after all these years - still harboring this malignant little tumor, still stuck with the bladder control of a woman who is permanently 8 months pregnant. I know it could be so much worse... and yet, it could be so much better. I could be NED. I could be cured. But no... I'm not a survivor. I'm... paused. And so is Roger, and so is my mother. Feeling like if I step on the wrong crack on the sidewalk, Hank will wake up and I'll be back in the thick of it.
Most days, I ignore the tightrope beneath me and just keep walking. But there are times like today, when I get reminded. And I get angry all over again. Give me an hour or two, and I'll bounce back to realizing how incredibly lucky I am. But don't call me a survivor. And don't bring any pink merch into the house for a day or two at least...
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