Frustrating phone call

 

TL/DR - frustrations with medical, but hospice is moving forward

One of the most frustrating phone calls of my life. Let me start out a month ago. I had my annual recertification/checkup call w/Dr W.

At that time, I mentioned that my body has been wearing down, and I was thinking of switching to hospice. I believe Ricky (my liver) has started the final countdown, and I honestly think that I would not survive a trip to SLC (where the nearest hepatologist is). A couple of weeks later, after some pretty vile dry-heaving, I decided it was time. I wanted to go ahead and transfer over to hospice care. I called my Drs office to set up an appointment (which was a week and a half out), but I also sent a message saying "If you can send a referral to my HHC/hospice provider just from me letting you know, great, otherwise I'll see you in a week and a half." I believe my home health care nurse also sent a message saying "hey, Deci's wanting to switch".

I believe that my doctor (or possibly just his nurse, T) took that as me trying an end-run on insurance/medicare. There was a bunch of back and forth, ending up with me sitting on this phone call. I also sent him a letter outlining my reasoning, so that I'd be prepared, as I've been having difficulty with getting my words out clearly. I also got H (the nurse over the Hospice program I want to switch over to) to sit with me so that we both heard the same words at the same time and she could help me explain myself.

I think I was right about offending my doctor, because he came in flashing his "hospice director for 8 years before I came out here" credentials, started out telling me that he didn't think I was a candidate for hospice because he doesn't think I'm going to die in 6 months.

We went over my various diagnoses - Hank, Ricky, COPD, Diabetes, hernia, etc... My being unable to walk 3 minutes. We talked about me not being able to leave the house without severe panic attack, and that it took me two days to recover from a trip to Roosevelt - seeing any specialist is out of the question. Yep. He agreed with me. But can I point to where it says less than 6 months? He thought that a hospice level of care was probably exactly what I needed at this point. He just wasn't willing to put his name on it. Because he doesn't think I'm going to die in 6 months.

I asked him what else he would recommend, if not hospice? Well, he offered up going into the senior living/care center attached to the medical complex, because that way they could wheel me over for my appointments. My appointments that accomplish nothing. After 30 minutes of what felt like justifying my pain, he finally came out and admitted that he was not going to send a referral, but that I could call Dr. M, and he could admit me - he even sent a note to Dr M warning him I was coming.

Damn it, we need a middle level between GP and Hospice - maybe call it stability? (Roger has helpfully pointed out that stable and I really don't belong in the same zip code.) But basically... acknowledgement that I am not going to get any healthier. There is no chance that I'm going to suddenly see the light and walk, so there is no reason to keep driving 3 hours each way to the tabernacle.

This isn't me giving up.

Why Hospice?

Dear Dr Wells

 Apparently, when Harley was talking with Tiffany this morning, Tiffany said you didn't remember talking with me about hospice. I've made an appointment with you for week after next, but I'd like to try to get my thoughts out on paper, if that's ok.

I feel like I'm moving a step down in my progression on my diseases (and on my body just being worn out.) At this point, realistically - 

-    My cancer is dormant, mostly. It's not growing... hasn't grown in years, and that's terrific, but it's also affecting me every day.

-     Catheter issues. It would be good, since I'm reliant on the catheter, to have it checked more often than is usually done on home health.

-     Liver issues - I'm having days (three, so far, but it seems to be trending) where I dry heave for six to eight hours straight. Nothing comes up other than very bubbly mucous (lots of it). I've been feeling more and more generalized pain, especially cramps in the abdomen, and bad excess flatulence, all of which I suspect mean I'm going from the compensated stage of cirrhosis to uncompensated. While trying to set up an appointment with a hepetologist in the city, I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to drive over to the city - I'm having serious issues just getting into the car, let alone driving 300 miles just to be told to change my diet. I've changed my diet. I've tried PT. My body is worn out. I'm worn out. I don't have it in me to fight much longer - at this point, I would like to switch over to comfort care, rather than trying to fix me. 

-    I am, at this point, experiencing severe agoraphobia, so leaving the house leads to panic attacks just getting into the van, which I can not do by myself, and which can take 5 minutes or so even with a couple of people trying to get me in there. I don't know how I'm going to get to Dr Potters on Monday - he is requiring an in person visit, and I honestly don't know that I can do it. I am at the point in my life where I don't want to work on my issues, or try to get better. I just want to be able to be comfortable and slip away as safely as possible. While I really enjoy seeing you and talking with you, I think that I need a different approach - I think I need to step up to quantity care, if that makes sense. I don't want to have to wait a week to talk to you about a UTI that I have or that I'm dry-heaving (again). I need help keeping my skin clean and rash free, which for me requires a shower every couple of days, and I'm at the point where I need help with showering. I need help organizing medication. 

Anyway - I just wanted to try to explain myself in an organized clear fashion.

A Stye

I've got a stye in my eye. 

Little red bump that I normally wouldn't even notice, really - 

except it's pressing against my eye, making it impossible to blink without a jolt of pain. 

There's not really anything I can do, other than apply a hot compress and wait.

I have no control here... which is more infuriating than I can possibly express

because this isn't about the stye in my eye. 

It's the stye in my soul.

 

I've loved this man for close to 30 years. 

God willing, I'll love him 30 more.

But there's this stye - this glitch pressing right on my heart, making it impossible to love without a bit of pain.

There's not really  anything I can do, other than find him a shark of a lawyer and wait.

I have no control here...  which is more infuriating than I can possibly express.

Nabokov on Caterpillars as inspiration

 I am in my chrysalis phase. I have spent my life as a caterpillar, but now I must move on, regardless of whether or not my mind is still busy caterpillaring.  I have begun to enfold, crystalize, harden into immobility. Most of me will sluff off into primordial goo, but that instar bit, that flash of inspiration, the spark of wit, my...eclectic fashion sense? I feel those hardening within my shell, persisting, striving, continuing out into the universe!

I will go on! I know that this shell of a body is not my destiny - I will live on in one beautiful form or another. 

Poor Dusty

 It's Friday. Fridays are hard on my little girl - first comes Mama's physical therapy, which she feels *requires* her presence in a supervisory (or possibly a continuation of her secret service) capacity.  Next comes Kim, and (shudder) water torture.  She loves running around in the rain, but god forbid she get a shower... This week, the other two puppies just followed along, but Dusty? She hid until she thought she was safe, and then when discovered, attempted to make an escape. Roger grabbed her up and put her in air jail, but her little legs were still attempted a 100-yard dash while suspended in midair.  My girl - she's determined even if thwarted.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

"Last Night, I Had The Strangest Dream"

 

Thanks, Pete Seegar! Writing this up at the request of Mom

Whenever I take the first of a new batch of gummies, there's always a titration issue - is one enough, are three too many... five is right out, incidentally. Anyway, last night's batch was particularly good, and sent me straight to dreamland.

Just as I was slipping, I could feel my soul (for lack of a better word) leave my body. I felt... that old childhood game - Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board? My essence was just a glowing light rising up - no control, but I didn't want control. Just peace and warmth. As I rose, I noticed a glowing mass in front of me... and I swear I heard a ka-chunk, like the opening of a bus door. But nothing was particularly clear visibly, just a round mass emanating calm, happiness, welcome, joy...  Mostly welcome - a sense that yeah, this was where I was going, and that it was going to be an incredible party on the way to my next destination. 

 I tentatively tried questioning the driver - felt a lot like Mr Rogers, but not in a gendered sense, just in a love everyone and make them feel comfortable sense.  They reassured me that yep, I was on the good list - reminding me that we're always our worst critic in the short term, but that the long view sands down the nicks and scratches, and that the Universe loves me as I am. Considering my situation, this was an incredibly comforting thing to hear, but the more comforting thing was... they asked me if I was ready for the next thing, or did I want a few more turns around the dance floor? (Well, ok. They told me that I'd shouldered burdens they wouldn't have tried, and my survival showed that I had vaginal muscles that wouldn't quit (Betty White said "Why do people say, 'Grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding ... But I get uncomfortable taking credit for my survival... end of parenthetical bowl stacking)).

Anyway, after congratulating me on my fortitude, they mentioned that it was a choice. I could go on to the next thing, and it would be a party like no other... or I could stay a while longer. It would involve some pain and suffering (I may have snorted at Bus Driver Rogers... I apologized!), but I get more time in this particular skin. This skin that I'm still uncomfortable in after 59 years, but that I'm starting to forgive. So, I waved him off, politely, and I felt this pulse of warm love and starting sinking back into my shell, feeling the aches and pain returning, but also the connections to this life that make it worth continuing - the rings of love around me. Family, friends, the rest... the going up is worth the coming down. Just not yet. As they left, the driver said "See you when I come back around in a few..." ka-chunk.  I didn't hear the last word. I'm sure it wasn't hours, but I doubt it was decades...  I'll take a couple of years.

Birdbraining

There's a photograph/meme going around that got me thinking. It talks about a hen who sat several duck eggs. When the eggs hatched, because baby ducks are very similar to baby chicks, she just treated them like you would any other baby...  essentially, they were assigned chicken at birth. But... and it's a big but. You put a baby duck in the water, it's happy as a lark.  You put a baby chick in water, it drowns. You can imagine the first trip to the farm pond, poor chicken was running in circles, clucking her head off, "oh, god, my babies are gonna die..." But apparently, by the third trip, she accepted that her children identified (correctly) as ducks, she accepted them... and now, if the farm has any duck eggs to hatch, they give them to her. 

Things You Don't Expect

 Roger and I were going through the evening "time to go to bed" routine... when you're married 24 years, you definitely have a routine. But anyway... life changes happen, yada yada, a catheter appears.

I am incredibly grateful for the catheter, but it can make for some odd moments. Like tonight, for instance. Roger had just emptied my (excuse me, any gentlefolk) urine out of the... well, pissbag.  (His phrase - can you tell he's a vet?)  

Anyway, suddenly change the commercial right in the middle of an ad... just in time to hear them say "Do you need help with vaginal moisture?" Nope, nope...  doing just fine.

Box of Pricks

 I did not have a good relationship with my father for a lot of reasons, but a big one was his last wife. I had to live with them for a year when I was 15, and the neurosis that year inspired... Anyway - Dad died of Covid a couple of years ago. I probably would not have gone anyway (middle of a pandemic, plus... just didn't like him) but I felt the need to do something. 

So, I called a local flower shop and ordered a succulent garden. Well, that's what they called it - I referred to it mentally as a box of pricks. It did my heart some good to find a way to both express my condolences and be a sneaky snark. 

A couple of weeks later, Brandon (my half brother), calls and tells me that my stepmom loved the cactus because it was something she could keep in Dad's memory, where the flowers died and fell away,. but for some reason the cactus had all just died. You could call it Karma. I just called the florist and arranged for a replacement. 

 

 

Touchstone

 Pain.

Lots of pain.

Constant pain... 

anger. No. Rage. Rage glittering down my arms, running through my hair,

my skin contracting, expanding, not fitting... 

I don't fit. I can't contain the ME in this feeble skin manikin.

My pain is a live wire just waiting for an opportunity to 

Jump to its next victim.

Please don't let me connect to you right now.

You're the reset I need 

The vision of who I can be at my best.

Don't let me blast away my touchstone.

(image is Wild Woman Riding a Unicorn', by Master from the Amsterdam Cabinet, 1475)

Does It Spark Joy?

 I was getting dressed this morning, looking at a pair of underwear that I bought - $50 for a set of undies. Now, they're supposedly "period proof" underwear - get real. I doubt that anyone is buying them for periods. We're buying them because our bladders have failed us - they're incompetent little bitches who can't hold their water - but that's a discussion for another day. Today, I want to talk about how I'm being charged $50, and these guys can't even be bothered to do a French hem. There are raw edges, unclipped threads... which led me to thinking about Grandma Lova. 

My grandmother was a professional seamstress. She sewed at the factory for 20 years - enough that her fingerprints had been worn away through erosion, rubbed out by constant contact with the rough fabric. Don't worry - I'm not going all Dolly Parton on you. For one thing, Grandma would be horrified - she was always much more practical than whimsical, and if a coat she made had many colors, she'd think it a failure of planning. For another, it's hard to get all misty-eyed about a pumpkin-orange leisure suit, which was the most memorable outfit she ever made me. But you can damn sure bet that pumpkin-orange leisure suit did not have any raw hems. 

But then there is the dress I'm wearing. This is probably the most significant piece of clothing I've ever had. Let me start at the beginning...  For my birthday, Mom got me a t-shirt - just a simple black t-shirt with white lettering, but it said "Vote Like Ruth Sent You" with a picture of her dissent collar. Now, if you know me, you know that I treasured Ruth Bader Ginsburg, so I loved the shirt... but I couldn't wear it much because my body is not built for t-shirts. It's the childbearing hips - ok, no, it's the continental shelf I've got hanging out the back, but anyway - t-shirts roll up and refuse to even try to cover it. 

But I was scrolling through Facebook and saw video of how a woman had repurposed her t-shirts into maxi-dresses and thought "Yeah! I could wear the heck out of that." and mentioned it to my Aunt Sherri. Aunt Sherri is the recipient of Grandma's sewing genes - she took the t-shirt and found 2 yards of fabric at Jo-anns and made me a dress (and several purpose filled scrunchies). Guys... it's how my family loves me, in a maxi. I'm in tears because of the love in this dress. 

He

 He's the vast unknown I'll spend my life exploring

He's a strong, safe bunker when the hurricane is roaring

And even when that hurricane might happen to be me

He'll minimize destruction and clean up the debris.

It's Not About The Dog

Living in the boonies, I may have a different view of Gov. Noem's self-immolation. For anyone who has been on vacation under a rock - she's put out an autobiography (for a very loose definition of a work that's supposed to be non-fiction) with some questionable claims, but the one that seems the oddest is that she shot her 14 month old hunting dog for being too... well, frisky? 

Now... death is a part of life out here. At some point, we've all got to go. And considering that guns are a basic tool of the trade for a farmer/rancher/cowboy, if an animal has become a danger to others (or to itself), a simple, merciful, quick shot to the head beats chasing them around with an axe or breaking their neck. But this dog wasn't a danger - it was just annoying her. She has tried to make it better, mentioning that the dog broke up a bird hunt and chased some chickens - yeah. That's why you find a place where the dog fits in - you move Champion back to Delaware where he's not dealing with the stranger stress, for example. 

But this isn't really about the dog, is it? It's about a way of looking at life.  Someone isn't living up to your expectations - do you get rid of them, try to hide them, or find them a way to be successful? Do you minimize your time and effort, or do you minimize their suffering? I'm advocating for kindness - vote your conscience. 

Peace Through Inner Howling

Sitting here with my pups, just chilling. Roger is out dealing with the irrigation, so the chances are high that I'm the only human within ear distance. Living in the city, you don't get that opportunity - you hush the dogs so that the neighbors don't get bothered. 

Anyway - the dogs started howling when he left, and rather than letting it bother me... I let my inner bitch join in the chorus. I howled. I howled anger at the universe for my current limbo. I howled frustration at being held trapped in amber - I don't get the pleasure of walking among the living, I don't get the release of a freed soul flying away, light as air at last. It felt good... expressing myself.  Like a huge pimple of hate-filled bile, just blasting out into the atmosphere and being drained of any pressure against my essence. I'd like to say that my howl rendered the pack silent, in awe of my pain, but nope. They just continued to whine... but at least, they modulated the chorus to let me in.

These are probably the last days of my life. Well, for a certain value of last, that's true of all of us, but let's just say that I'm past the accumulating stages of the campaign and I'm firmly in the "throw everything you got at the sumbitch" portion of the fight. I've never really lived quiet by choice, but I've been dimming myself, trying to stretch out the meager portion of days left to me, a miserly way to exist.  No more. I'm going out with a bang, damn it. 

Life Playlists

 I've been slowly recovering various abilities... today's physical therapy was trying to get into our van (last week I was able to get in and out of the Element, but the Element has the suicide doors, so there's way more space to get in and out. The Element is great, but I need the van to carry my wheelchair.) Anyway... 

As I managed to get ready to get in (with my entourage of floor shark pups swarming around), the radio burst out with "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", giving me lots of positive energy to get in and get it done.  I was able to sit down but I couldn't quite get my knees in. But that gives me something to work on - we'll get it Monday. As I was getting ready to get back out, we switched over to Stand By Me... again, perfect timing. 

Nothing Much Can Be Everything

 It's Sunday here on the ranch - not a lot going on today, other than Roger cooking up a lovely pork roast for pulled pork, and various puppies cruising by for a snuggle in between supervising the pulled pork thing. I treasure these kinds of days - watching some political news on TV, doing a little FB surfing, and just relaxing with my loved ones.

The Universe: "I'll Give You Something To Write About, Girlie!"

 Lately, it feels like life has just been a "a series of unfortunate events".  Even more than usual, I've felt like the universe is tilted against the wind, and while I recognize that I've got absolutely no call to complain when I've survived far longer than my doctors ever thought I would, still... it would be nice to get some breathing room.  But I think I've finally figured it out.

It started out with the double Dad deaths - in the same week, both Roger's father and my own passed away.  At that point, I recognized that yeah...  I had some serious issues that I really hadn't processed around my relationship with the Original Roger (I was thinking of referring to Dad as Roger Prime, but really...  he was grade b chuck at best. My husband is such an upgrade, frankly.) I thought I should probably go ahead and write it out, give myself some thinking room... but I moved on to holiday madness and the feeling passed.  

Then there was my 10 year anniversary of being diagnosed with uncurable cancer and given 18 months... I should have wrote out my feelings of survivor's guilt and my questioning whether or not my current life is worth the pain I live with (yes, by the way - it is. But I can see the day coming when it isn't anymore.)  But I handled that by throwing a party and buying everyone temporary tattoos of a cosmic hourglass on it's side, making light humor out of a morbid day.  It's a coping mechanism and I recognize it as such... but it works.  

So...  the universe apparently decided that I was not paying attention, and maybe I needed a more severe nudge - possibly with a cattle prod.  Necrotizing fasciitis, aka flesheating bacteria eating away half my thigh and putting me flat on my back in a hospital then a nursing home for two months - that ought to get me writing again, right?  Nope. I was too busy/tired/in too much pain to pay attention.  

Which leads us to where we are now...  vague writing, because I can't actually say what's happening, but I get the point.  I'm writing, ok?  I'm writing.  Praying that the talisman of putting words down in this blog of mine will save my family from further savaging by the whims of fate.  I'm going to try for every day, but I'll commit to once a week.  

I am so freaking tired of this... Whining Warning

My body is seriously pissing me off. Actually, no...  my brain is pissing me off. My body has been recovering nicely - I'm getting back to the point where I can do things that I was not able to do (like use the freaking toilet.) But my brain... is terrified. I hadn't realized how bad I was, until I ran out of the anti-anxiety medication I've been on for physical therapy.

See, in the rest home, I found myself frozen when I was trying to transfer from the wheelchair back to the bed. I had my first big panic attack over the fact that I might not be able to lock my knees when I stood up (mostly because I was having trouble locking my knees when I stood up, naturally.) So, I was prescribed Hydroxyzine to help with the panic attacks. It helped - I hadn't realized how much it was helping until... 

I ran out on Saturday, and at that point, I had figured that hey... I've been doing well. I was able to stand up fine off the toilet, I've been moving around the house well since the catheter was taken out... I even managed to get in and out of the car for the first time since May. I was well on my way to mobility - even celebrated with some Chinese take-out. The local economy celebrated with me - I always go big when I order hungry.

But yesterday, I noticed I was having some hesitancy issues - it was harder to make myself get around, although I did it. But this morning...I was brought to tears by my inability to make the damned Poise stick in its place (I've been taping them down, but the tape fell and of course, rolled away). Then, it took me 10 minutes to get myself psyched up to getting up off the toilet. I knew that I could do it, I've been doing it for the past 4 days... but my brain was busy catastrophizing, knowing that I would fall and be laying there, dachshunds licking my face, until Roger woke up and tripped over my bloody corpse. 

I'm not sure what all to do about this - other than put in an urgent request for a refill of the hydroxyzine. Of course, that means going through Tiffany the Tyrant, my doctor's nurse, who a) never returns my phone calls; and b) has a history of "forgetting" to follow through with refill requests, especially for things like pain medication or depression/psych meds. So... that'll be my Monday adulting task.

And I'll be doing it on no sleep...  I couldn't make myself go to sleep last night, because every time I put my Kindle away and closed my eyes, I started to panic about Roger. I don't have any clue what I'm going to do if I lose him... but that's another post.  

Tax Preparation Ain't For Sissies

 I'm committing storytelling again...  

First off, establishing a few facts.  I have a fairly high IQ.  It's not Marilyn Vos Savant level, but I typically peg out somewhere between 145 - 155 on a standard IQ test, I scored in the 99th percentile on my ASVABs back in the day... You know - I can generally figure things out.  My dad, bless his heart, was a functional illiterate, so yeah, I got it from my Mom (she dropped out of high school in 10th grade to have me - intelligence doesn't always equal smarts), and her sister is similarly blessed in the brain department.  All three of us are well-seasoned bureaucrats (Aunt Sherri was a postmistress, I was a purchasing agent, Mom was mid-to-high level IRS - this will come back into relevance), and we all know how to work with red tape and speak fluent bureaucrat.  

Moving on to the next fact - we're all small town Mormon women.  (Well, we are now.  Mom and I both tried to escape our fate by getting the hell out of the state as soon as possible, but you just can't fight genetics - and yes, in our family, it's more of a genetic than a religious thing.) Our family came across the continent pushing handcarts full of our belongings - to misquote Stripes, "Our foremothers were kicked out of every decent state in the US..." and as a result, we're bred for civic duty.  (A lot of other things too, but for the purposes of this story, civic duty.)  You get 5 Adams women in a room (you need an odd number - otherwise, a card game happens), and a  quilting bee will naturally occur - along with some pies, funeral potatoes for a gathering of 60, and in a pandemic, a surprising number of masks and/or hospital gowns.  Especially once we retire.  

Then there's our family's unique method of dealing with unfortunate news... we build a brick wall and run as fast as we can away from actually addressing grief. Usually, that brick wall is made of whatever project we can find - especially for my mother the project manager.  So, since just since October, we've had a massive fight with the third of the sisters, both my father in law and my father passing (in the same week), Sherri catching a breakthrough case of COVID, Mom breaking her foot, Daniel being diagnosed with cancer...  we've been needing distraction.  

So, Mom decided to volunteer us. Because yes, of course, when she's told to take it easy and stay off her feet for 6 to 8 weeks, naturally, project management is the first thing to pop up. I swear, the woman bleeds GANTT charts. She decided we need to set up a free AARP-sponsored tax-prep center for senior citizens here in the Basin.  Which, yeah... fluent in bureaucrat, Mom's got that IRS experience, Sherri has been a bookkeeper, Daniel has excellent community knowledge due to our vaccine work... you'd think it was a perfect fit.

Oh, how the mighty are fallen. First off, you wouldn't think that it would be all that hard to find a space to work out of for a couple of months. You would be wrong. Senior centers?  We've got a couple here in the Basin - nope. Empty storefront, maybe?  No one wants to get on the bad side of some corporation who will remain unnamed, but who have been cursed by Ken Jennings.  Finally found space in a library that will let us in 3 hours a week (but who will be kicking us out promptly because they need the room for the Lego club.)

But that's nothing compared to... the Chromebooks.  See, in order to maintain confidentiality and make sure that nothing gets hacked, we have to use a secure connection (ie router) and dedicated computers. Ok. But these little beauties are so secure that we can't actually get into them - the user names and passwords we were given don't work. Ok, so for training purposes, I'll go ahead and use my own computer, and work on that issue in January... log on to the "training portal", do the practice exercises, easy peasy, no problem.  Right?

Three women, above average IQ, seasoned bureaucrats, motivated to help.... we're half way through the class, and we're at the point where we've stormed off into separate rooms, if not completely separate houses, the men are all avoiding us if at all possible (amazing how many trips to town have suddenly *needed* to happen), and the dogs are incredibly happy because angry snacks tend to be high calorie and easily dropped.  There have been words... lots and lots of words, mostly things like "What do you mean, I can't use a # in my password? It's a special freaking character!" and "It worked yesterday - look, I wrote it down, I entered exactly the same..." or "Look, Box 5 on the SSA1099 is not the spouse's income, I don't care what the teacher says!"

Fortunately, Mom was finally able to summit Mt Paperwork and do the homework this afternoon.  I'm in the system and at the point where I can do the homework tomorrow - next class is Tuesday.  I'm hoping we're at the summit... we'll see. But might I suggest that rather than building up an arsenal of bombs, we just drop IRS Pub 4012s and Chromebooks on our enemies?

 

Dog Vignettes

 On the way to town today, Lili tried to come with (well, so did the red-heads, but that's a different story.)  Once I made her leave, she stood there, face into the wind. Here in the basin, we get some serious wind - and she was doing a L'oreal commercial. Her hair was billowing, and so were her ears.  I was expecting a Scottish Terrier in a kilt to come along and pose for a romance novel cover with her.

After I got back from the vaccination station, I went to lie down, and all four of the small pups somehow knew that I needed comforting.  Daisy sat on top of me, Lili tucked into my knees, and the red-heads tucked in around (Daisy wanting to get as close as possible, Toby wanting to be in between me and whoever is getting attention...)

My First Job

 I'm sure this is going to surprise you, but I've been a feminist all my life.  When I was 8, I struck a blow for womanhood (ok, little girl hood) by taking a job as the first female paper carrier in Salmon, Idaho.  

Ok, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to define that for anyone born in this millennium, but (slipping into my rocking chair, hiking my glasses up my nose....) Back in the day, people often got their news from newspapers.  Salmon being a basic hick town did not have its own newspaper, but the Idaho Falls Post Register was willing to pay me to drop off its screed on people's doorstep daily - after school, I'd ride my bike over to the post office and grab my stack along with the other urchins.  The Post Office guys sort of adopted me - they called me George, so that they didn't have to acknowledge my gender, and we got along well.  

Dr StrangeGoat (Or how I learned to love the farm)

I've had a few people ask me about LaRaeDough - specifically, what the hell happened to get me here, but generically, why am I on a goat ranch in Northeastern Utah, when I'm obviously better suited for more urban climes.

Well... to start with, I was born in a small town in Southwestern Utah, so part of it is genetics.  My mother always had a rambling spirit and a firm believe in geographic cures, so we lived pretty much everywhere while I was growing up, but home base was always Grandma and Grandpa's place in Washington, Utah.  Washington, however, is not the Washington of my youth - it's blown up, going from 400 people to close to 20,000 (which is frankly unsustainable).  So, my family all moved north, and Aunt Sherri and Uncle Ron ended up buying a place outside of Whiterocks, Utah (pop. 321 as of the last census), and when the acreage next to them opened up, Mom moved in.  It feels a lot like Washington used to - close knit community, you know everyone, there's a DIY feel...

Gratitude, schmatitude...

Quick recap - I've been living with ULMS (aka Hank the Tumor) for about 7 1/2 years now.  I've finally managed to wrap my head around the fact that I've been given a miracle - this disease that was going to kill me has been stopped in its tracks, somehow. It took me a long while to get here - mostly because when I think miracles, I think in terms of saints.  I ain't no saint. Not that I'm particularly sinful either, but I've never had the kind of reverence associated with (say) Mother Teresa or the blessed Virgin.  That, and receiving a miracle seems to imply a debt - a requirement to proselytize or at least stop swearing quite as openly. 

The Follower

Naturally, she followed Liam.  He brought sunshine into the world - how could she not?  She followed him onto the ship, across an ocean. She followed him into the yoke of a hand-cart, walking across the continent to Zion.  His joy led her onward, until the sickness hit the company. His last breath was spent on trying to make her smile.

She wrapped their best clothes up in oilskin, to leave for those in need.  Then she made her way to the river, gathering stones as she walked, to wash her sins and follow Liam once more.

My Protest March

Ok, in the middle of Nowhere, Utah, Mother, Jaime, the girls, and I would not be an effective march - especially since anyone driving past to see us would probably be a relative, so this is my virtual march - it will probably get more eyeballs, and last longer than I would walking out in the heat.

Indefinite detention is not appropriate for children. Regardless of the cleanliness or feel (and cages and space blankets are definitely not appropriate), locking children up is not who we are reaching to be as a nation.  More, though - indefinite detention for anyone who has not been *convicted* of a felony is not appropriate - it's not just that it's inhumane (which should be enough for anyone), it's not cost-effective.  Instead of doing what should be done (actually funding the initiative properly, including adequately staffing immigration judges and both prosecuting *and* defense attornies, rather than expecting 3 year olds to defend themselves in court) we're throwing money at the private prison industry.  Yes, we're taking one of the few things that should be the definition of  a governmental function, and we're outsourcing it. What could possibly go wrong with giving a profit motive to locking people up?  So, we're paying around $750 a day for each child ripped from their family... and now proposing to lower that price to around $250 a day for each family locked up until we can finally get them through the backlog... instead of being sensible, using an ankle bracelet to monitor while they're released on their own recognizance at around $25 a day.  These are people who committed (at most) a misdemeanor by going around rather than waiting up to 2 months in line.  Now, I'm not talking about this for the 240 actual dangerous gang members (who we could concentrate on with the resources freed up by not prosecuting families). (Yeah... 240.  All this yelling about rapists and murderers of MS13 is based on 240 desperadoes.) 

While I'm thinking about this - how about doing the same thing for non-violent potential offenders who *are* US Citizens?  Our current bail system has people waiting in jail to be tried for potentially months just because they're too poor to pay bail.  Let people out until their court date - pilot programs have shown an over 90% rate of compliance, and we'll save money, keep people working (and paying taxes, and (most importantly) be humans again. 

Flotsam and Jetsam

We're still in the process of integrating our two households into one, getting rid of the excess spatulas (it's amazing how many spatulas you accumulate over 50 years of living), figuring out which mandolins to keep, getting rid of the crappy towels...  Mostly doing kitchen stuff right now, and it's definitely a walk down memory lane.

To begin with - I don't drink hot drinks.  I mean, I'll maybe have a cup of tea when I'm down with the flu, but other than that... And while Roger is a coffee drinker par excellence, he mostly uses a Thermos to keep it warm throughout the day.  So how is it that we have so darn many coffee cups?  Heck, moose emblazoned coffee cups alone, we've got enough for your average squadron (especially if you include Moose dachshund cups).  Then there's the Corps of Engineers ceremonial cups - I've still got one from the Mt St Helens celebration when we finally completed the sediment detention structure.  We've got three different Sunset Bingo cups - they've outlasted the actual business we got them from, which closed down shortly after I left for Utah (I'm sure there's no connection.) The funny thing is that I've never bought a coffee cup in my life... Kind of like how moose-themed objects just seem to appear in my presence.

A Day In The Life

Little bits and pieces of life here on the goat ranch:

- The family planted potatoes today - I wisely took a nap and managed to avoid this, but I did my part last night, when we cut up old potatoes, separating out pieces with eyes on them.   This got planted in Mom's yard, out past our fridge planters with the tomatoes and other veggies (seriously - we've got six old refrigerators turned onto their sides and filled with dirt that we use for vegetable planters.  Hey, it's slightly less redneck than using them as appliance fencing...) 

- I figured out how to get the paperwork for selling the house and dealing with the escrow to our credit union in Roosevelt so we can go in and sign tomorrow- selling a house long distance is a lot more travel intense than I thought it would be.  Part of the problem, of course, is we don't have a fax machine because we don't have a home phone line (and apparently Docu-Sign is only trusted so far in the house selling community - which after the whole 2008 debacle, I can appreciate, but still... pain in the butt.)

- While Roger and Uncle Ron were working on the irrigation system for the garden (ably assisted by Gary and Briggs - for certain definitions of the word assisted), Mom, Sherri and I attempted to play cards, assisted by baby Riley.  His assistance mostly consisted of crawling at a high rate of speed to the kitchen door whenever he was not being actively held - although he did eventually give up and start playing with Mom's cabinets, dragging out as many serving trays as possible. 

- During the card game, Marlo got loose and came looking for her Maaaaaa.  We've started trying to wean her, and frankly, she's not having it.  She seemed pretty determined to find me (and more importantly, to find the bottle, and was sadly disappointed when I came up empty, so she went over and started conspiring with baby Riley to try to bust out of this joint, until Roger showed up and firmly dragged her back to her tractor.

- This may feel strange, but life here feels more like a commune than I think anyone else living here would feel comfortable with (considering that I'm the hippy liberal in the group.)  We have our house and Aunt Sherri/Uncle Ron's house side by side each other, separated by a porch and a driveway, Riley, Cassidy and the boys just across the road, the other cousins popping in on a regular basis, and at times, it feels like one big house with some exceptionally open hallways (and 30 acres of scrub brush and goat/cow/horse range all around).  Maybe it's genetic, but I'm starting to enjoy it - as long as I have my room to retreat to.  Tonight, we're going to be grilling burgers out on the porch, with the guys grilling, Sherri doing up corn on the cob, me possibly contributing a salad... all of us trying to get Briggs to eat *something* (he's at the "I don't like that" stage.) 

Goat Goat Dancing

We've been having issues lately with the goats escaping.  Well, I say we've been having issues - Roger's been having issues.  It started out with just Houdetta and Domino (Houdetta so named because she would manage to escape the herd so often we figured she had to be Houdini reincarnated - and Domino, her son, so named because he's pure black with white spots.)  Roger finally managed to fill up all the holes she found and stop her from helping herself to a hay buffet - he didn't really grudge her the hay, but she'd eat through the twine to get to it, which made it a lot harder to haul around.

But the past couple of days, the entire herd has been getting out somehow.  Roger isn't sure how - he's rode the fenceline, and he's even staked them out to see if he can figure it out, but no luck yet.  It's not really an issue - they come running when you bring out the fresh hay, but still...  anyway - today, the herd came visiting Marlo and her habitrail.  I'm not sure if it was just a prison visit, or if they were offering to bust her out (although the fact that a couple of them came up on the porch leads me to believe they may have heard about the sweet deal Marlo's got and some of them may want in on the feeding/couch jumping.)  Part of me wishes that Marlo hadn't been in her corral - I'd like her to go ahead and integrate into the herd - but part of me is glad she was because it did not end well the last time she played with these guys (Ron and Roger ended up finding her bleating her poor little heart out, abandoned in a gully she couldn't get out of.)  But it'll be interesting to see if she can integrate - in a few weeks.  I've still got a couple weeks of her being my little bummer.

She's Getting Dangerous

Marlo's midday feeding was... fraught.  For one thing, Roger's been having to put her in the corral during the day, because she just jumps the fence of her habitrail.  So she gets anxious and ready to free-range once it's feeding time.  The minute he lifts up the corral and she can slip under it, she makes a beeline for the door, slipping when she hits the wood on the deck, but barrelling towards her bottle.  Unfortunately, today Miss Lili was also on the porch, chilling out, and Marlo ran straight over the top of her.  Poor Lili is ok, but she's still muttering something in canine about "What the heck hit me?"

Then, once she slurped down the groceries, Marlo decided she wanted to come up and climb Mount Midoramommy... which is, of course, where Lili had gone to lick her wounds from the first encounter.  Lili made her way up me to the back of the sofa as Marlo was coming around my front, so further injury was avoided, but Marlo decided she wanted to go shopping on my desktop.  After informing her that no, she can't eat my stationery, or drink any of my caffeine, or eat my glasses, or... she finally decided she'd better suck up quick or she wasn't going to have lap privileges anymore, so she went back to her old fall-back, suckling on my ear. 

She hadn't really suckled my ear since the first week... trust me, she's got even more teeth now, and she's got absolutely no finesse - think horny 16 year old boy on his first date - but it was a nice reminder of when she was my little kid... ok, so she's kept lap privileges.  For now.  Stay away from my stationery, though!

Travails with Hank

Hank the Tumor has been too much with me the past couple of weeks.  Partially because it's coming up on our anniversary - April 8th 2013 is when my uterus exploded and Hank entered my life, but more than that, I've got an appointment at Huntsman later this month to talk to a new set of doctors about him and I'm irrationally nervous about paying any attention to him.  He's been amazingly quiet, considering, and I'd really rather not wake him up. 

I really should be celebrating - I was talking to Mom about it, and if you consider the rarity of myxoid ULMS... 6 women a year are diagnosed - if you round that down to 5 for ease of math, and consider that there's a survival rate of 50% the first two years, 20% by year five - I might be the sole survivor of the class of 2013.  (I know, black humor - hey, it's got me through so far.)  My current doctor said he looked over the notes from my former cancer doctor, and she has absolutely no clue what I'm doing still alive.  But here I am...

Marlo Moments

I always questioned whether the whole "goats go for high ground" thing was a myth... but Marlo definitely prefers to be high sentry.  She's already climbed me (multiple times), but now, she's making the assent up Mount Sofa whenever possible.  Not just the seat - she's climbing the back, trying to get as high as possible.

She also has a definite preference for her dad - Mom and I were doing the morning feeding while Roger was in the shower, and the minute he got out and came into the room, she was right there under his feet (trying to climb up his legs, of course.)

She's a bit unhappy about us putting her in the corral with the high sides and lid, but it's for her own safety.  Yesterday, she was over trying to make friends with the cow and her calf, and the calf was *not* having it.  She almost got herself trampled before Roger got her back.  She may be growing fast, but the calf still has a few (hundred) pounds on her.

There's Nothing Like a Baby Goat

I started out the morning with a figurative black dog on my shoulder - dealing with trying to pay invoices from the painter, where the credit card company was rejecting the invoice because it's not the kind of thing that I normally buy.  Yeah... I'm not normally trying to sell my house, so I don't normally hire painters.  Look, I've got more than enough in my credit line - just pay the damn thing! And then, of course, the painter who said he would have an invoice to me last Thursday, but didn't get it to me until yesterday evening, calls immediately this morning to tell me that it's not going through, without giving me time to fix the problem.  And, of course, my bladder decides this is a good time to start the waterworks... and I'm dealing with the house cleaner coming and a doctor's appointment, which is going to involve going to town and my knees screaming at me for the next couple of days, and...

And then it's time for Marlo's morning feeding.  She runs in the door, heading straight for me, joy on the hoof. She bumps her little head against me, impatient for the groceries, but also letting me know that I'm her whole world for the next five minutes (or however long it takes to slurp down her bottle). And then she climbed up Mount Sofa and headed straight for my lap, wiggling and writhing and trying to eat my glasses, my hair, nurse on my ears... whatever part of me she could get to, she wanted part of.  She made me laugh and I could feel the black dog slumping off... it's not that he left the room, but there just isn't any room for despair when a baby goat is nuzzling you.  I wish that joy for all of you - not necessarily a baby goat (they are a lot of work), but something that can bring you back to joy when you most need it.

A Rough Start to 53

Rough start to the morning - I fell out of bed.  Well, not so much fall, as slowly slip down past the point of recovery.  I've mentioned my issues with my knees before - basically, there's no cartilage left, and I can't put any weight on them - so when I'm down, I'm down.  And of course, the reason I was trying to get up in the first place was that I needed to go to the bathroom, in the worst way.  Yep.  This was the worst way... stuck on the floor in a puddle, needing to be rescued. 

On the other hand - Uncle Ron rousted our neighbor down the street, and between Roger, Mom, Ron, Kelly and the two lovely women from the tribal ambulance, I'm back up vertical, with only psychological bruising - thankful I was dressed when it happened, that I didn't do any damage to my body, that it was something easily (well, relatively easily) solved - and for a wonderful family who all rallied to my aid. 

I'm really grateful for my family's reactions, too - Sherri was very encouraging, seeing the bright side, Mom made sure to cheer me up afterwards with an incredible Easter basket/birthday present, Roger stayed with me and comforted me while we were waiting - and Uncle Ron is currently researching where to get the tarp lift just in case this happens again.  And the kindness of neighbors - I hadn't met Kelly before, but he came right over to help lift me up, joking about not even having to miss church, since it's Conference weekend. 

It was a hard way to start the day - but it could have been much worse.  And then we got on with the day - Marlo's morning feeding, where she slurped down her milk in record time, and then proceeded to climb the couch.  She's growing up so fast! Almost too fast - I'm going to miss her once she grows out of needing us.

Oh, and gifts - Mom found an Easter bunny bag with my name embroidered on it!  I think this is the first time I've had anything with Deci embroidered on it.  She filled it with adult goodies - lotions and shampoo and Lindt chocolate bunnies and carrots, all the necessities of life.  Roger found me ammo to deal with Briggs and Gary - a laser gun with noise and lights that I can use next time they're running around like hooligans.  Oh, and he got me the Elton John Diamonds box set - it's absolutely fabulous, of course, with art postcards and a hard-cover book with factoids about each song.  All in all... the day is looking up.