This has been a really hard season for me. Listening to these old white men doubting and twisting and "But she..."ing and flat out stating that trying to have sex with a 14-year-old girl is more qualifying for the United States Senate than being a Democrat...
But it's helping me to forgive myself for things that happened when I was a child. It's helping me to realize that I didn't do a damn thing to entice Jake to lay down next to me on the floor and press his hard penis against my back. Laying there, frozen in fear, was the most I could have done. It's not my fault I didn't say anything to anyone for far too long
More, it's not my fault that I took a ride from the roller skating dude when I was 14. I wasn't "leading him on", I wasn't being a tease - I was a 14-year-old girl who didn't have a clue. No, he didn't rape me, because I freaked out and started crying when he put his hand on my breasts - but I had somehow managed to work it around in my head to where I felt like it was my fault for being in the car in the first place. Until I could hear it in the language of the news - another 14-year-old girl, groomed by some sick 32-year-old sleaze (heck, it was even the same year - 1979) - I couldn't realize how it was *not my fault*. Hell, I even found myself slipping into the "well, he stopped when she said no" briefly before I realized - she should never have been in that position. He should never had put her in that position. Fuck that, he should never have put ME in that position.
So, what would I offer from all this? I don't know. I'm just realizing how sick I've been. I just know that every time I lance this damn boil, it gets a little smaller... but I am really tired of lancing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment