Happy Autumnal Equinox

Today was a perfect Portland autumn day - cool, just a little drizzly, with a nice, fresh scent to the air after the scorch of Summer.  I ended up going in to work (the latest updates from ACE-IT bricked my computer - it was taking up to 5 minutes for each keystroke to register), and took a little bit of a spin around downtown (nice to renew my acquaintanceship with the various oddballs you meet on the street.) 

The one thing about mostly teleworking - when I do get into the office, I end up spending a lot of time reconnecting.  Schmoozing, helping out...  putting the fear of Deci back into a couple of people who needed reminding that I've forgotten more about the programs that they're using than they will ever know (and damn it, stop trying to insert tables and pictures into the contract writing system!  I told you and told you that 19 times out of 20, it might work, but that 20th time, it's going to freeze you solid, and there's nothing I can do about it because CACI is just going to smugly point out the KB article that says not to ever do that - ok, end parenthetical rant.) 

It was bittersweet, though - I loved being back, but my body reminded me why I don't do this everyday anymore about 1:30 or so, started up the whining, big time.  My mind - my mind is totally there and wanting to dance the night away, but my body has become a grumpy old woman who is just there for the early bird special. 

It's funny, though - I'm sort of following a tree's course here.  I've spent my summer's course of being a solid mass of indistinguishable green, and am breaking out into vibrant fall plumage (in my case, purple rather than red or yellow, but vibrant nonetheless), before dropping into the decay of my winter.  People are telling me that I look better than ever, but I can feel the winter of my cancer creeping in.  Not just yet though.   I've still got lots of leaves to lose before I get there.

Why I Enjoy My Job

So, one of the aspects of my job is that occasionally, we have to notify Congress of projects that are about to be awarded.  It might be so that they can take advantage of it in the local press, maybe so that they know our money is being well spent... 

At any rate, out of 25 years, I've only had one action where I got a question back down the line.  And I thought you guys might appreciate the question...  "Are you sure you meant to say "tainter?"  Yep.  Tainter gates.  To quote Wikipedia "the Tainter gate is a type of radial arm floodgate used in dams and canal locks to control water flow. It is named for Wisconsin structural engineer Jeremiah Burnham Tainter."  And don't even get me started on the erecting studs, or the butterfly sexer.

What can I say?  You've got to find your fun where you can.  In September, it's good to remember the little things.

Doctor Visit Result

Not particularly satisfying result...  my weight has gone up some since last time, and my A1C has not gone down enough (it's 8.6, which is down from the 9.4 it was at, but...)  We're going to be talking again in 2 weeks, but we discussed a possible second option (Plan B), which would be taking the tumor out vaginally.  It's not optimal, but if I can't get to the point where they can do the hysterectomy, this is another option.  She's also going to check again with the morbid obesity guys - she put in a request to them 3 months ago, but there doesn't seem to have been any movement on it yet.  I'm feeling a little down, but at least this time it's just a two week wait, rather than another 3 months. 

Slow Fade Into Inward Facing Turtle Stance

I had one of those 3:00 am epiphanies this morning - I've been retreating from life (or at least from my association with it) ever since my diagnoses.  It's taken me a while to realize it, because I've been managing to blame it on pain or embarrassment or laziness, but no.  I'm spending more energy avoiding other people than it would take to just give in and enjoy them (and I used to be incredibly outgoing, so this is a major change for me.) 

The pain thing is real - my arthritis has spread from just my knees to my hips, my spine, my hands... but I'm not bothering to go in and find out if there's something else I can do to actually fix that problem, or at least alleviate the symptoms, so that's not it.

The embarrassment factor - yeah, not being able to go anywhere because I'm not sure when my bladder is going to take over is a bother, but that shouldn't be affecting my on-line presence, and yet, I've been fading away there too. 

I'm scared.  I got a good look at my mortality, and I'm terrified, and my automatic defense mechanism has kicked in - avoidance, slap a brick wall up and run like hell.  But I don't know where to run to, and so it feels like I've just gone into retreat.  Retreat from everything and everybody.  I've built a shell and stuffed myself into it, and the shell is tightening.  So instead of reaching out, or even responding to those people who are reaching in, I've just been hiding, making myself a smaller target for whatever is out there.  This has got to stop.  So, I'm starting with this post - Hi.  I'm Deci. Please forgive me for fading away - I'm going to try to be more present.

Sleep Lab Tomorrow Night

I don't know if I have mentioned it before on the blog, but in addition to everything else (cancer, diabetes, arthritis, ingrown toenails, whatever...) I've also got a bad case of sleep apnea.  Really bad - like I stop breathing 35 to 40 times an hour when I'm sleeping, and my pulse ox dips down into the low 80s.  But since I've lost a bunch of weight since the last time they tested me, they're going to test me tomorrow and make sure that the settings are still right.

So, basically, they hook me up with a bunch of electrodes (including gluing them into my hair - I hate that part), put me in a room with infrared cameras and then tell me to get a good night's sleep.  No husband, no puppies, no water bed, just me alone with my electrodes.  Really not looking forward to this - especially since I've been having an increasing issue with bladder control, thanks to Hank sitting on top of it.  But I figure I can just not drink anything after noon tomorrow, and I should be ok, right?  At any rate, please wish me luck...

Good couple of days

Friday, we got together with Don for breakfast at my place - it was really nice to touch bases with him again.  Don is one of my oldest friends - I think I imprinted on guys wearing flannel shirts because of him, so he may be one of the reasons that Rog and I are together. 

Saturday, we went to the Columbia Helicopter company picnic.  It was an opportunity to introduce the newest member of our family around, and Daisy did very well - even though she's a runner, she only got away once, and she didn't really have her heart in it.  We bought new harnesses for both pups for the occasion - red for Moose, purple for Daisy.  The harness fit Moose much better than Daisy though - it was really more suited for his body type than hers.  The search continues... 

Funny bit of serendipity on the way there... we were getting the puppies settled in and trying to convince Moose that he really can't drive so he had to move out of the driver's seat.  Finally got everyone settled in, turned on the car, and the radio had George Thorogood playing "Move It On Over" - Move over, little dog, a big old dog is moving in...

We had a lovely time at the picnic and Daisy was a big hit (Moose is always a big hit).  Funny thing, though - Moose behaved himself like a perfect gentleman, even being calm when Roger introduced him to a bull dog while he was walking around (Moose normally does not do well with big dogs - small dogs, no problem, but big dogs tend to bring out his Napoleonic tendencies).  Unfortunately, when we stopped by on the way out, Moose didn't do so well - possibly because he was on the footboard of my scooter.  He tends to be braver when he's under his Mama's skirts.

On the way out of the park, we turned the corner just in time to have a doe and her two fawns amble their way across the road in front of us.  All in all, a lovely visit.

Thoughts on Suicide

Suicide is popping up again in my lifestream - in addition to my Facebook stream being full of Robin Williams obituaries, one of my cousins' mother-in laws also committed suicide last Friday.  I've lost friends, family, a co-worker...  I was even given several really bad nights by a stranger jumping off of a parking garage in Portland and landing on the street about 8 feet from me. 

I used to find myself being incredibly angry at people who killed themselves - I felt (still feel) that it's one of the most selfish acts a person can commit, leaving a messy life behind for others to have to clean up.  Part of that anger also might have been that I have been on the edge myself - remind me to tell you all about the pickle jar incident sometime - and stepped back, forced myself to go on when I thought there wasn't a way forward, and if I could do it, why couldn't they?

But my struggle was momentary - I'm starting to realize that other people feel that way all the time.  Depression, anger, paranoia, frustration - a life with few highs and incredibly abysmal lows.  If this life is all there is, why continue on with the agony?  Alternately, if there is an afterlife (and considering my current situation, I'm desperately hoping there is) why not go ahead and skip to dessert, or push the reset button, or whatever metaphor applies?

Living your life solely to avoid harming others is a possible reason, but what about those who are hurting so much that they are already taking it out on those around them?  What about those who feel like life is already over but the shell just won't quit?  As a society, maybe we need to find a way to allow death to be a cleaner option for those who just can't continue on. 

There are a lot more thoughts about this, and I find that the older I get, the more my opinion changes, but I'd like to hear other people's thoughts.

Moose is playing his mama like a fiddle again

It's been a busy time for the pups - Daisy had to go to the vet yesterday (she's fine, it was just a well puppy visit), she had a spa day today, and Moose had to go to the dog equivalent of the barber for a nail trim.  They're both looking lovely now (and Moose is a stealth puppy - you no longer here the clickclickclick down the hallway). 

For some reason, though, Moose was acting strange after he got back from Jackie's Clip Joint.  He was hiding off in the Moose Cave (a dog bed we've got stashed under the desk in the other room), wanting to go outside a lot more than usual, just generally being anti-social.  I thought he might be moping about the clip, although normally he's fine with going to Jackie.  He kept going down the hall to the bedroom, and I thought maybe he just needed time by himself, so I left the door open.  I went to check on him a little later... 

Turns out, he was down there chewing on one of Daisy's bones that he'd unearthed from god knows where.  I suspect he's been sneaking around chewing on her bones all day.  Little stinker. 

Ok, this one is political

In a press conference today, President Obama was talking about the declassified report on interrogations that's going to be coming out soon, and one of the things he said was "we tortured some folks".  (The report is about enhanced interrogation techniques, by the way, that he had stopped when he came into office.) 

I was watching Bill Maher later this evening, and there was a Republican strategist on who was offended by the fact that he used the word folks.  Apparently, he felt that the word usage wasn't "presidential".  No.  What was not presidential (in my opinion) was using those techniques (yes, torture) in the first place. I'm a lot more comfortable with my president using colloquialisms than I am with him prosecuting wars based on shaky information. 

Late Night

I had one of those late-night blood sugar drops tonight - woke up with my blood sugar at 64.  It's always a bit unsettling - when I get that low, I start getting a little irrational, and my body goes into a "I'm dizzy, I'm sweaty, I'm going to make you pay for this" dance, which makes me scared, which makes me more irrational.  Fortunately, a little glucose, and I'll be fine... but it does make it hard to get back to sleep. 

On the other hand, sleep may be over-rated.  I'm sitting in my comfy chair, Moose curled up like a comma around my left side, Daisy snugged in tight to my right - there are worse places to be.  I was having a bit of a white night anyway - I've got my "every three month" scan on Friday, and the back of my brain has been fretting about it, so it could just be that this is my body's way of saying "You need a night of reading trashy novels". 

On the other other hand, however, Moose is starting to snore like a sailor after a three-day bender.  Daisy is entirely too dainty to snore, but let's just say her breathing has gotten a lot more... pronounced.  There is nothing more sleep-inducing than a couple of snoozing pups on your lap, and I feel the glucose kicking in, so I guess it may be time to head back for bed after all.  Goodnight.

Work Day Today

I went into the office today (had some stuff that needed to be taken care of in person, rather than over the phone.)  (Well, actually, I thought I had some stuff that had to be taken care of in person, but the person who requested help gave me a "What?  It's not doing it anymore." when I went over to his desk to help him out, so... guess who is going straight to the bottom of my "help him out" list.  Dimbulb).  Anyway, it was nice to get a chance to see everyone again - and at least two-thirds of the office ended up going out to lunch together at a pool hall down the block, so all in all it was a nice change of pace.  I'm definitely ready to drop, though...  I just can't do 12 hours days the way I used to. 

Driving home, I saw several signs of why I love Portland so much, though - we came home down Sandy (because I-84 is the highway of the damned during rush hour).  I saw a hipster bicyclist with his mustaches flapping in the wind at least a foot behind him, a sign in a window front advertising ukelele lessons, another window front with the fugliest naugahyde 50s barstool I've ever seen, and (of course) a martial arts studio straight across the street from an urgent care clinic.  It's my home, and I love it. 

Sick day thoughts

I spent most of today sleeping with my minions - one curled behind my knees, one curled up at the back of my neck.  I've been doing worse lately - having trouble with controlling my bladder, more skin infections and the weird fevers that go with them, etc.  I was hoping that getting my blood sugar back under control would help with the sleepiness, and it seems to be helping some, but every once in a while, I go through periods where I just can't keep my eyes open.  I'm hoping that it's just me and my weird body, not Hank...  fortunately, the next scan is next Friday, so I should know soon, and my blood sugar has gotten back under control, so with any luck, it won't be much longer in the twilight zone. 

The Tyranny of Possessions - Day Two

Miss Daisy is on her second day of guarding her blue bone, and an uneasy truce is still in effect.  (To bring anyone who didn't catch the Facebook post up to speed... I gave both Moose and Daisy a blue dental bone yesterday - Moose ate his immediately, Daisy spent the day curled up around her bone, growling at Moose, Daniel, Roger... pretty much anyone who came within 5 feet of her and her bone.).

I ended up moving it for her last night, putting it up on the table where Moose couldn't get at it so that she could come to bed and get some sleep.  But this morning, she's back curled up around the bone again.  It's odd... she isn't eating it, she's just guarding it.  I gave Moose a new one this morning (he ended up barking at Daisy when she came to investigate - sauce for the goose, I suppose), so she knows that there are more bones to be had, but for some reason, it's this particular bone that has her protective instincts up. 

I've been searching for a life lesson here, but I just can't relate - my method of protecting my groceries has always been to eat them as quickly as possible so that someone else can't sneak in and grab them (I know.  I'm working on it.)  But it seems to be bringing her a perverse amount of satisfaction, so I'm going to let her go with it.  Que cera, cera. 

Thoughts on the undocumented children controversy

Not going to get into the politics of it - except to say that in my opinion, our current system is broken, and rather than just dealing with current undocumented people, we need to completely revise how we let people in. 

My thoughts are mostly for these kids - how incredibly scared they must be, and how incredibly desperate their families must have been to send them.  One of the scariest trips I ever took in my life was one summer when I was in my early teens - I'd been spending the summer with my grandparents down in southern Utah, and Mom called asking them to send me back up to Idaho, because we were moving and she needed me there.  I can't remember why it was a rush - I think we got the message later than we should have because we'd been out camping.  Anyway - grandpa took me down to the Greyhound office (well, the hotel that doubled as a Greyhound office - we're talking St George in the 70s).  The office there wasn't open, so grandpa gave me the price of a ticket and the driver said I could ride to Cedar City and buy a ticket there. 

However... when I got to the ticket office, there had been a price increase that we didn't know about, and I didn't have quite enough for a ticket.  I had 30 minutes to have a mini-breakdown and figure out what to do - and no idea who I could call for help.  Considering the panic and desperation I felt - and then multiplying that by the lack of a common language, being shoved into a system that regards them as illegal, the enormity of the difficulties these children are going through...  I can't imagine how they are surviving. 

I eventually got by through the grace of a trucker who took pity on a little girl who was crying in the ticket office (and gave me 5 dollars for breakfast to boot - thank God for truckers with a heart).  And I've been hearing stories of citizens who are trying to help out the kids.  May we always find some grace in our hearts to help as much as we can.

Twilight Musings

Date night out tonight with Roger - driving home, we hit the golden moment.  I love summer twilight, right after the sun has set, but before the light has all faded, when everything is softened from the harshness of the day.  There's a distinct smell to twilight - I think it's the smell of the world starting to cool, sort of sweet and heavy, but lightening up. 

Then there's the anticipation.  Work is done, heat is fading, the night is still full of promise and adventure (or blessed rest - either way).  The most intriguing things always seem to happen right after twilight, and anticipating them is frequently the best part.

Happy Fourth

For the first time in ages, I'm not going to be watching the guys and Brigid set off a few fountains in the driveway to celebrate.  I'm missing it a little - I'm missing the Monkey a lot, but I suppose she has to live her own life.  If she has to.  I guess. 

Part of the decision not to do fireworks this year has to do with Brigid not being here - we can't blame our latent pyromania on her anymore.  But I'm also starting to feel uncomfortable about the whole concept - spending money on something that lasts for 5 minutes at best on sparkly noisy nothing.  The fact that it took me 49 years to grow up that much is a little frightening, but still...

I also have been dealing with Daisy's semi-nervous breakdowns nightly this week - I live in a part of town where idiots start loud aerial fireworks on the first of July and don't stop until the 7th (I hope they stop by then...)  I've been spoiled by Moose, who has always been relatively calm about fireworks - Daisy, on the other hand, has been shaking and rotating enough to start her own little gravitational field.

So instead, we're just getting together and watching a little silly television with friends - I'm still grateful for my country, just a little more quietly grateful.

Wakeup Call

About ten minutes before the radio went off this morning, Daisy crawled up my body and settled in on my chest.  When I didn't immediately start petting, she nuzzled my chin a little - clearly canine-speak for "make with the snuggling, woman!"  I know the next step - licking - and since she not only had dog breath, but morning dog breath, I complied quickly to head off the horror of eyeball-licking.  We had a nice couple of minutes before the radio started blaring and the boys woke up... at which point, Moose went into his patented "Hey, that's my mama!" dance, trying to shove in between me and the rest of the world (especially Daisy).  You know, there are worse ways to wake up.
 

Late night thoughts

Well, not all that late.  But late enough for a schoolnight.  I had my consult with my endocrinologist today, and she gave me some adjustments to my Lantus/Regular regimen.  I also need to adjust my diet - ever since I've been working on plant-based, everything has been working really well, except for my blood sugar.  That has been going through the roof - my last A1C was 9.4.  So, for the next couple of months, I'm going to be concentrating on blood-sugar maintenance and do an intense push to get it back down - that should be the last hoop to jump through before surgery.

I'm a little scared to let go of my plant-based routine (although part of me is also going "bring on the eggs!").  I do think it's helped keep Hank from growing - although I know that's strictly anecdotal, and I'm by no means saying that it would work for everyone.  It's also helped me to feel like I had some measure of control over something that I felt completely overwhelmed by, and we all know how I crave control.  I also want to keep being a rock star in my doctors' eyes - that's been a completely new experience for me, and I liked it! But I think that I can do plant-based plus a little protein here and there - maybe shoot for the vegan before 6:00 thing that Bittman advocates, and still keep the benefits.  We'll see how it goes. 

My own little Yin and Yang

While Mom left on Saturday, Daisy Mae has stayed behind - she actually hid outside while the car was being loaded up in her own little "hell, no, I won't go" protest.  So I am the proud mama of two puppies now, and the two of them could not be more different.  Looks - smooth vs fluffy, scrunched nose vs long, long legs vs short; personality - loud and toothless vs silent but deadly; snuggle habits - constant and under a blanket vs when she wants to and very much outside the blanket. 

They've been adjusting to each other, and I think that Daisy is coming out on top, but I think that Moose is still making a run for it - we'll see. 

Finishing off my lost month

What all can I say - it's been a hell of a month.  Moose ended up needing surgery on his neck (he's doing much, much better now, thanks to Doctor Skinner), I spiraled down a little more, Mom has left for Utah for a couple of months, and I'm going to spend the summer trying to get my A1C back under control - without gaining any weight back, hopefully.  I promised Mom that I would blog every day so that she could feel comfortable being gone - so, this is the first one.  I'm hoping future blogs will be more edifying (or at least more fun to read.)