Tuesday Musings

Tuesdays are a mixed blessing for me - my cancer support group meets on Tuesdays.  It's a great group.  The people are a wide range of personalities and diagnoses - you can always find either an answer or a question you can answer (or just a pick-me-up - there are some people in the group that just make me happy to see. You know, the kind of people who you meet and feel like you've known all your life.)

However, Tuesdays force me to let the wall down and think about my condition - I get most of my insights on Tuesdays.I think I've realized what it is that has been bothering me the most about my particular cancer.  For some people, cancer is a bomb that explodes and completely rearranges their lives - they deal with the fallout and their lives then begin to settle back down into the new pattern. It's not always a good pattern (god knows, there are a lot of not good patterns available after a diagnoses), but there's a pathway - you have a certain protocol that you follow (surgery, chemo, radiation, palliative care, whichever is appropriate) and there may be setbacks or surprises along the way, but at least you're on the path.  I feel like ever since last April, I've been living with a live grenade shoved inside me.  I don't know when it's going to blow, and until it either blows or fizzles, I'm stuck waiting, desperately trying to find the pin to insert back into the trigger mechanism.  I don't really belong to the surgical oncology department (at least not until I lose the weight), I don't belong to the medical or radiological oncology departments because they can't do anything for me, I'm just waiting, holding my breath - and after 8 months, I'm starting to feel my muscles cramp up from holding this thing. 

Everyone else around me seems to be suffering from anticipation fatigue as well, especially at work.  How do you treat someone who is halfway out the door, but yet can't tell you when she's actually going to be gone?  I'm still contributing right now (thank god for telework), but at any point I could go boom, or I could be cured and be back at my desk. How do you write up performance objectives for that?