Since it's time to renew my prescription for Duloxetine, I was doing a bit of a self-assessment - trying to figure out if it's helped/how much it's helped, etc...
Depression, for me, has always been a bit of a misnomer. It doesn't come out as sadness or melancholy - I don't do blue funks, or Victorian vapors. For me, it's as if some sort of chemical change has happened - it's rarely related to anything actually going on in my life - and out of the blue, everything in the world annoys me. Noises, especially - the sound of the phone ringing can bring on Hulk-like rage. Suddenly, someone telling me to have a good day sounds like they're demanding something from me - something I'm unable to give. My hair scrunchy is too tight, my clothing itches, everything in the world is designed just to get under my skin, and I have to consciously work not to explode in completely unjustified anger. My family refers to it as me going triple dog dare - I don't stop in at any of the normal steps, I just go straight to yelling irrationally at the ComCast customer service person that no, I will not give them my social security number one more time and if they keep asking, I will come through the phone line and strangle them with their headset.
Today, I realized, looking back, that I haven't had one of those days when the black descends on my brain for a while now, which is impressive, considering all the conditions surrounding me. I've managed to maintain a certain level of optimism despite daily "oh-my-god-what-did-he-do-now" updates from the internet. My body has continued its downward trend, but I'm living with it, adjusting, recognizing limitations - I rail against them occasionally, but it's more a fact of life rather than doom and gloom. All in all, I think I finally got the meds right. We'll see how long it lasts.
No comments:
Post a Comment