Schroedinger's Sicko

Not sure how the doctor's visit today went.  I provided her with the paperwork to fill out, but she's not sure exactly what to say.  I'm not sure exactly what to tell her either.  Am I disabled?  I really don't know. 

I know I've got an incurable form of cancer, one that normally would be fatal (80% fatality rate within 5 years).  But it doesn't seem to be interested in killing me.  It is sort of like walking around 8 months preggers, and there's the whole incontinence issue, but it's not like I can't sit and type... it's just harder to focus and I tire out easily and if any little germ happens to come along, I'm down for the count.  But I am able to work, still - have been for two years now.  But I started out with the maximum 240 hours of annual leave and around the same amount of sick leave... and I'm down to the dregs now.

Other things to take into account - I have insulin-dependent diabetes, but I've had that for years and I've been managing it, so it's not something that really stops me.  There's the whole enlarged heart/losing my breath if I stand or try to walk for more than a minute or two, but again, had it for years, I've been managing it, I have my trusty Moose-Scooter to get me through.  There's the severe sleep apnea, but (thanks to the wonders of modern medicine), I've got the bi-pap that makes sure that I don't stop breathing my usual 75 times an hour while I'm sleeping - plus I get to do the cool "I'm disturbed by your lack of faith in the force" voice at Roger, so that's always a bonus. I have zero cartilage in my knees and the rest of my joints are also pretty much shot - so much so that I'm in pretty much constant pain, dumbed down by Percoset.  Fortunately, I also have a high tolerance, so I can still do my work while dumbed down by Percoset... I really would rather switch over to a non-opiate solution, though. 

The problem here is that my body has never been exactly a Cadillac.  It's been a Yugo - and I've been patching it up myself, using a lot of Bondo and WD40 (and a hell of a lot of duct tape), and forcing it to keep going.  Eventually, it's going to fall apart, but for now... yeah, it'll still do 60, if I put a brick on the gas pedal, but for how much longer?

So.  Taking all that into account... am I disabled?  And what do I tell my doctor to put down on the paperwork? 

Computer Blues

Be Thankful For What You've Got

Frustrating day.  Frustrating couple of weeks - I've been sick, and I've been having work computer problems, which always frustrates the hell out of me.  For some reason, Friday the 2nd my ID card (without which my computer is a brick) suddenly froze up and decided to stop working.  No problem, except that I can't just call the tech guys and have them remotely fix it, it has to be fixed at the District office.  And of course Monday, I come down with the plague.  Coughing fits, fever, snot building up in every orifice - your basic grotesque mess.  I think if I had tried to enter the downtown corridor, they would have instituted Godzilla measures, complete with helicopters and calling out the National Guard.

So, anyway... by today, I'm finally down to non-contagious levels of disgusting and make it into the office.  Still coughing, still weak as a kitten, but at least I'm not going to give it to anyone else at this point, and I'll be able to get my computer up and running.  Sure enough, after waiting an hour and a half (I get there at 6, they don't open the security office until 8, but fortunately, they owe me a favor), it takes all of 2 minutes to unlock my card, and I'm back up and running.  For four hours.

See, my laptop computer is close to end of life (it should have been replaced 2 years ago, but you know... budget cuts.)  For the past couple of months, it's been getting forgetful - it forgets that it has wireless capability whenever it gets jacked into a LAN server, and I try to take it back home and start it up again. It's almost like trying to talk to Bomb 20 from Dark Star.  Today I spent close to 2 hours trying various fixes suggested by the guys from our IT department, to no avail.  Hell, Lee (who is a total sweetheart, and knows my medical issues) even offered to come over and look at it on his own time.  And of course, at this point, I was dead tired, frustrated, close to breaking down, had Moose crawling up on me licking my face (he's a salt junkie)...

Fortunately, I've got my emergency back-up husband Kevin, who is a wiz with computers, and who was willing to come over and look at it for me (and Robyn could tell I needed some talking down from the edge of the cliff), so they agreed to come over after work, and I went and took a nap.  I find it works better than most solutions when things get to that point.  Of course, when Kevin and Robyn got here, and I booted the computer up, it worked perfectly, first try.

So...  things I'm grateful for.  Good friends at work and at home, who are willing to offer help, even when the help I need might just be making it through to the next day.  A husband who understands me and lets me sulk when I need to, and a puppy who won't let me sulk alone.  A forum that I can pour all this frustration out into - it's a little like lancing a wound.  This way, the puss won't stick around and fester inside me.  And music - that song up there has got me through some bad days.

Clapper Pros and Cons

We've been in our house now for 11 years, and I absolutely love it, but... for some reason, the person who built it had an absolute terror of overhead lighting.  They built an entire house with precisely two overhead light fixtures, one in the kitchen, one in the hall.  If they could have figured out a way to put a lamp in the hall, I think they would have left that out as well. 

At any rate... no overheads.  So we have lamps - lots of lamps.  For the bedroom, one of our first purchases was a clapper - one of those hi-tech ones that can run two different devices, so there's a separate lamp for each side of the bed.  Normally, it works great, except...

There are two natural enemies of the clapper.  Small, excitable, German dogs (Hi, Moose) and women with the plague.  As it happens, my coughing happens to be at the precise rate necessary to set off (and on and off and on) the clapper.  And so is Moose's barking - which is brought on by my coughing.  At one point this morning, I swear the lights were cycling like a disco. 

Worrying About Moose

He is definitely starting to show his age.  For one thing, he's getting more and more frosty - but that's not a big thing, it just makes him look more and more distinguished, kind of like Liam Neeson or Sam Elliott.  But he's also getting more and more crotchety - he's been spending more time barking at the air and grumping down the hall at nothing.

But this weekend, he stepped it up another notch.  He's starting to get a lot more demanding about active snuggling, wanting me to cuddle him like a small child, or winding himself around me like a comma, making sure that as much skin as possible is touching his mama.  Normally, he's happy just to be on my lap, passively snuggled in, occasionally getting up to make his rounds or get a light nosh.  But this weekend, he's been shoving in between me and the keyboard, making sure that I'm aware that he needs my undivided attention, or climbing up on top of my pillow in bed and shivering until I wake up and calm him down. 

It may just be the change in the weather, or it might be that I've been under the weather, or any number of weather related things, but... I'm just a little worried.  And when I'm worried, I write. 

In Which I Discover I Don't Even Do Cancer Right

So...  good news and bad news. 

Met with my oncologist today, and told her that I really needed to go ahead and file my paperwork for disability retirement.  I've been doing full-time telework, and trying to make it work, but it's time - I'm running out of leave, the office has hired someone who can fill in behind me, and I'm wiped out.  In talking with my Human Resources office, they said that I should just have her fill out the paperwork, say that I've got ULMS, that it's terminal, send it in to OPM, bing, bang, it'll be over with. 

Not so fast.  Here's the good news - well, great news really.  My doctor is starting to think that my cancer is so atypical that it may not be terminal.  She thinks that I may actually survive this, since it's been 2 1/2 years and he has not been moving.  I know - it's incredible news that frankly, I'm still processing - I've spent 2 1/2 years thinking of myself as dead girl walking, and now... I'm not.

However, it means I'm chronic girl walking.  Which means lots more paperwork.  So I've got to go to my GP and have her document all my other embarrassments - the diabetes, the incontinence, the breath thing, the arthritis, and all the rest.  It'll take a little more time, but then again, I was feeling morose about the whole prospect anyway, so... I guess it's great news and not so bad news. 

But this whole thing could have been avoided if I just had done cancer right in the first place, retired to my fainting couch and filed for disability back when they still thought I was terminal.  Or managed to be less... atypical.  Nah...  I like atypicality.  It suits me.  Kind of like being the neon-pink sheep of the family.  And guess what - Looks like I'm going to be around to be atypical for a good long time.  What the heck - Grandma managed to make it to 96 after being diagnosed at 47.  I'll have to see if I can beat her record.  Just 47 more years to go.  I can do that standing on my he... well, sitting in my comfy chair.

More Moose Issues

Yesterday, as I was giving up one of his mandatory belly rubs, I noticed something worrisome on Moose.  Now, it's not odd to find something odd on Moose's belly - between the liver spots and the raccoon scars and the odd fatty lumps of unknown origin, there's not much that's not odd, but... Right at the end of his penile sheath, there was a zit. 

I admit, I'm a horrible mother - my first thought was "Thank god he's a dog - I don't have to have "THE TALK" with him."  Relatively certain this isn't Herpes Duplex 13 or whatever the equivalent dog STD is - for one thing, he really doesn't hang with loose bitches, and for another, he's been neutered for 11 years now. 

It also led to one of the odder conversations that Roger and I have ever had...  when he got home last night, I mentioned something about it, using my usual clinical speech, and he just looked at me and said "You want me to look at my wiener's wiener?"  Yes, honey.  I want you to keep a watchful eye on your wiener's wiener. 

Aging Stud Muffin Issues

You've all seen pictures of my canine leading man, Mr Moose.  He's a handsome man - aristocratic, noble, he's even graying beautifully.  When viewed from the top, he's still absolutely gorgeous - sort of like Burt Reynolds or Sean Connery.  He has the classic dachshund profile, beautiful red fur with a subtle black racing stripe down the back, he has just a bit of a nipped in waist - perfect.  But then... like any leading man, the toupee slips.

I mean, Moose has always had issues with his underview - for one thing, there's the overbite issue.  I'm not talking a cute little overbite.  I'm talking you can see his teeth when his mouth is closed.  That's the reason why even though he's the scion of Peter the Great and Lady Zelda the Third (champions, both), he was a rescue dog, rather than a show dog - and as we've always told him, rescue dogs are so much better than show dogs.  (What the heck - he believes us.)  But now that he's getting older (he's 11 - 12 in November), when he flops over for his mandatory belly rubs, the truth comes out.

There's scars from the racoon attacks of 2006 - or as he puts it, the time he beat back the invading hordes.  There's little fatty lumps of unknown origin.  There's liver spots (because every old man needs liver spots.) There's bare spots where the fur never did come in just right. And then there's the zipper from the disc surgery - although to his doctor's credit, that is almost invisible unless you look for it.

Nevertheless... he's still gorgeous.  And no matter how liver spotted he gets, he's always going to be my little boy.

More Sleeping Habits Of The Common Dachshund

It being National Hot Dog Day, I figured Moose deserved another blog post to himself...

While laying down for a brief siesta, we went through a typical scenario today:

Settled in, everyone is comfortable, when suddenly one of his enemies appears outside (UPS guy, Fed-Ex, Garbage Truck, whatever...).
"Barkbarkbarkbarkbark" (Full throated defense of home and Mama - not, you understand, that he would bother to actually get out from under the blanket, but he's on alert...)
(brief pause, followed by the beepbeepbeep of his enemy abandoning the field)
"Bark...Bark" (half voiced, continuing the theme = sort of the canine equivalent of "that's right - you'd better run.")
(settling back into the back of my knees, relaxing into the bed)
Thirty seconds of silence...
"Wuff" (quiet little "and another thing..."
A minute later...
Subvocal, felt only through the skin "wuff", settling back into nap state.

I am fortunate to be so well protected - not every woman has a guard dragon of this quality.

And now, the rest of the story...

Finally got to bed and to sleep this morning about 4 am after hanging my tears out to dry on the blog last night.  Roger got up about 7:30 or so, but then, I felt him slipping back into bed with me, very carefully *not* bumping my sore arm and just snuggling me, giving me comfort the way only he can, just letting me drift off to sleep in his arms.

Apparently, he's got my blog bookmarked, and checked it to see how I was doing when he work up.   Great way to remind me that it's a high wire act, but I'm not up here alone, and I've got one hell of a safety net. 

Yeah, he's the cutie with his arms around me - but the other ones are pretty helpful too...

Teetering On The High Wire

That's the problem with any chronic condition.  You go through life the same as everyone else, except... you're doing it on the high wire.  Without a net.  The slightest little bump, something that  normal people can step right over, can stop you in your tracks. 

For example - I strained my rotator cuff this morning.  Not a big deal - the reason I know it is because I've done it before, and sailed through without much of a problem.  Except now... I've got sleep apnea, so I have to sleep on my left side, or the mask doesn't fit properly (and if I don't wear the mask, I stop breathing approximately 70 times an hour - it's not a pleasant thing.)  And of course, the strained rotator cuff is on the left hand side.  I would take some acetominophen for the pain, but I'm already on Oxycodone for the crippling arthritis in my knees, which means no additional acetominophen, or my liver might explode, and I know from experience that if I take the Oxycodone after 8ish at night, I'm not sleeping.  Like I said...  a bump that if you're on the ground is no big deal, but from up here, it's fairly insurmountable. 

Now add in the insulin-dependent diabetes, and the breathing problems, and the incurable cancer.  I usually manage to keep all these balls in the air, while my little unicycle is peddling along the wire, but things are getting wobblier and wobblier.  So why is it that I'm so damned resistant to asking my doctor to fill out my disability paperwork?  Hell if I know - but being up at 2 in the morning by myself is definitely not the time for me to be thinking about it.  Frankly, it's way too depressing when I don't have recourse to chocolate.

Lexiphilia

Words.  I love words.  I love reading them, I love listening to them, boy do I love speaking them... I think I got the bug from my mother, who has the same affliction - the need for le mot juste, the perfect rejoinder.  When most kids were hearing Dr Seuss or The Hungry Caterpillar, I was listening to Ogden Nash or Robert Frost. (I can still recite all the words to Richard Cory from memory.)

Which is why it drives me nuts when I can't remember a word - especially one that I've made an effort to commit to memory.  I have this skin condition - it's not a big deal, especially in the grand scheme of things, but it means that blotches of my already beyond pale skin are even paler (we're talking into the phosphorescent range here), and my stomach is basically pie-bald.  I've had the condition all my life, I've researched it (because that's my default mode for any oddity), and yet, I can never remember the damned name. 

Thank god for Google. Otherwise, I'd be spending most of my morning trying to remember the word Vitiligo. 

Sick Day Today

Taking a sick day today - trust me, you don't want me to get into details, but let's just say that I'm not going to be using that particular brand of laxative again any time soon.

I'm also adjusting to a new medication - started on Qsymia Tuesday.  Jenny Craig has been great for my blood sugar (went from 10.7 to 8.2 on my A1C, which is great, although I'd like to get lower), but I haven't managed to lose any weight, so we're trying this now.  I want to get back to the point where I can safely get the PET/CT scan, not just the CT scan, so that's going to be approximately 35 pounds (well, 29 now - I've already lost 6, so I'm feeling happy, although a lot of that could have gone down the toilet...)  However, one of the side effects that they have been very careful to warn Daniel and Roger about is potential depression - suicidal thoughts (or in my case homicidal thoughts - depression for me usually takes the form of irrational anger.)  So far, I seem to be doing fine, but I have noticed the guys eyeballing me a little.  We'll see...

Memory Well: Summertime

When I was a kid, I used to love the July holidays (July 4^th and July 24^th – in Utah, the second one was a much bigger deal.  Kind of like the 4^th, but with the addition of smugly knowing that it was just for us.)  I was almost always in Washington for the holidays, and there’s nothing like a small town in a patriotic fervor when you’re a little kid.  

First, there was the parade.  Fortunately, the main drag was not that long, because it was always in the 90s (or 100s), and Grandma would dress me up in semi-authentic pioneer woman drag – long calico dress (with long sleeves), bonnet, etc. and Grandpa had converted a Radio Flyer into a Conestoga wagon for me to drag along behind.  Justin had it easy – she made him buckskins, but I was hotter than heck (looked good, though.)  And there was always enough candy to put us all in a pixie-sticks high for a week.

Then there was the carnival – sack races, greased pig chasing, hopping around (and falling down) in the three-legged race, pie contests, a cake walk…  the only ride would be a really sad looking couple of ponies tethered to a pole, but there were all kinds of booths sponsored by the Rotary, or the Lions, or whomever.  Once I got old enough, I graduated to helping run the “fishing” booth for the Lions (Grandpa’s club of choice) – the kid would cast his line over the curtain, someone would peek and figure out how old and what gender they were, and we’d slip an appropriate toy on the line for them and tug. 

Of course, there were also the important political races – cans strategically annotated with the names and photos of local girls who were in the running for Miss Washington, with the winner determined by the cash accumulated (pennies only, please…) 

Later, after the sun went down, there would usually be a Disney movie shown on a sheet hanging outside the Wardhouse, and we’d sit and watch, our stomachs distended from munching on ProntoPups and pie and punch. 

I still celebrated some when I grew up – we’d get together with friends, eat barbeque and set off fireworks in our driveway, but in the past few years, I’ve even given up the fireworks – the pretty sparkles weren’t worth the noise and smell you had to put up with to get them, especially since my godchild isn’t around to appreciate them with anymore (I miss you, Brigid!) 

The View From The Group W Bench

For those of you who don't recognize the allusion (most of you under 30, I suspect), it's from Arlo Guthrie's 17 minute long classic "Alice's Restaurant" - at one point he goes in for his draft board hearing, and gets placed on the Group W bench because he had been arrested and convicted of littering:

• Group W's where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers!

• And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay $50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?" And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench.

I frequently find myself wondering what a good little hippie peace-freak like myself is doing working for the US Army Corps of Engineers (I'm good with the Engineers part of it - I speak fluent geek, after all, but the US Army occasionally chafes a bit.)  Especially what the heck I've been doing working for them for almost 26 years now - more than half my life in the same office, even the same phone number.

For the most part, I'm good with it - after all, Portland District is one of the few Corps offices that has a strictly civil works mission.  We keep the harbors and rivers up and down the West Coast navigable, we generate serious amounts of hydropower, we have really awesome parks, we cleaned up after both Mt St Helens and the Exxon Valdez - we do good work, and don't have to shoot anyone to do it (although don't ask me about what we would like to do to the blasted sea lions that keep messing with the salmon at our dams.)  It's a red-headed stepchild of a district, and I've always been Queen of the Weirdos, so we fit well together.

But today.  Today we got yet another reminder memo from our District Commander that even though I've got medical issues that would easily qualify me for medical marijuana, even though recreational marijuana is about to be legal in my state (in two days)...  not for me.  Not until I retire.  Because even though I already take painkillers for my knees that would put the average person to sleep for a couple of days, and work right through it, trying a joint would render me "not moral enough to join the army after committing my special crime..."  Retirement can not come fast enough.

Another Reason Why I'm *From* Utah

Don't get me wrong - I'm not ranking on my home state.  It's a very nice state - emphasis on the "nice".  Most of my relatives are still there, the people are friendly, the food is incredible, the air is lovely (if a little thin - once you get used to living at 50 feet above sea level, 7,000 feet is a little hard to take.)  But I never really quite fit in - as I often say, I'm the neon-purple sheep of the family.  It's not that I'm the black sheep, shunned and banned by the rest.  No, I'm the one that they just kind of look at out of the side of their eyes (and every once in a while one of them will sidle up and ask me where I buy my hair dye.)

Mostly though, the state itself has let me know in various subtle ways that I'm really not their kind of people.  There's the air thing, for example.  Then there's the heat.  I was born in Washington, Utah - just south of St. George.  For you non-Utahns, think Vegas without the lights, the booze or the strippers.  Lovely in the wintertime, but God-awful in the summer.  I'm talking 115 in the shade kind of God-awful.  I remember riding Grandpa's motorcycle down to the fields one day - it was so hot that the breeze wouldn't cool you, because it was hotter than the sweat it was trying to evaporate. I, on the other hand, am a) one shade beyond phosphorescent and tend to burst into flame after 15 minutes in the sun, and b) get heat headaches to the point where it feels like my brain is expanding outside my skull every time the temp gets up over 90.  So not built for that kind of weather...

Normally, it's ok - my adopted home of Oregon treats me well, with 222 cloudy days a year.  But every once in a while... like this weekend, we're talking up over 100, and not a cloud in sight. So... I guess what I'm saying here, Oregon, is that you can ask Utah.  I'm a fickle bitch.  Don't make me move to Alaska.

"Lift Up Your Hearts And Sing"

One of my friends on Facebook posted this link today - but it's nothing that I didn't already know:

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/sing-in-car-happier-healthier-live-longer/1089113/

I can't remember not singing in the car - it's almost an autonomic system for me.  Close door, turn key, open mouth... Part of it I can blame on my mother.  When you're the only child of a working, single mother in the 60s and 70s, you spend a lot of time in the car with her.  It seemed like we were always heading somewhere, and we didn't have the luxury of Sirius or XM (heck, we didn't have an 8-track until I was 14 or so - and then the only tape my mom had was Diamonds and Rust by Joan Baez.  That was a hell trip from northern Oregon down to southern Utah.) 

So, we'd sing.  Anything and everything - if the radio happened to be working, great, if not, we'd improvise.  Fortunately, I have a weird memory, filled with song lyrics - the part of my brain that should be devoted to nuclear physics or curing cancer has all the words to Crocodile Rock or Leaving on a Jet Plane in it.  And we wouldn't sing quietly - we'd belt it out, not always in the same key, but always confidently. 

In fact, that's one of the ways I knew Roger was the one for me - driving down the highway with mom, and I realized we were all singing along to Willie Nelson.  3 different keys, but all the same lyrics.  And the way I know that I'm the one for him is that he puts up with my singing, even when he really would rather just listen to the actual artist.  That's true love. 

Fun With Medications

I'm a firm believer in better living through chemistry - well, forget better living, just plain managing to stay alive with the judicious amount of pills and shots and... But the side effects do tend to build.  For example, I don't remember what it's like not to have a dry mouth, and then there's the night sweats - love waking up in a puddle. 

But the biggest pain is digestion.  Have you ever noticed that every single list of side effects either includes constipation or diarrhea (or sometimes both?)  Trying to titrate the perfect balance between a brick stuck in your abdomen and Old Faithful shooting out the back end is tricky, to say the least.  There's laxatives and stool softeners galore, but for my money, the best option is Russell Stover's sugar-free chocolates.  However, you have to respect the Stover's.  One won't do the trick, two... sometimes, but three seems to be the magic number.  Do not - I repeat, DO NOT go for five, thinking that the first three don't seem to be working, might as well add a couple more.  I spent most of last night in the bathroom, regretting that decision intensely.  You would think I would have learned my lesson before now, but no - I seem doomed to repeat it.

Doing Much Better

I've come back to terms with my life and its limitations.  (And spent the past couple of days being schooled in faith and grace - it's one amazing church that can turn out congregants that are that loving and truly Christian in the best sense of the word in the most horrible of circumstances.) 

Plus, I've spent part of today indulging in soul-reparation therapy.  A lazy Saturday afternoon nap with my man and my boy...  A warm, soft snuggle in a cool, dark room - nothing in the world is so luxurious.  Just laying there, curled together (and with a little warm heater of love wormed up between us - Moose will not be left out), nowhere to go, nothing to do until later in the day, the world shut out behind the bedroom door.  I am a lucky woman - I just need to keep reminding myself of that. 

Minor Medical Meltdown

Sitting here, crying my eyes out, not sure why - I figured it would be best to try to write it out. 

You all know I've been trying to lose weight to help with getting rid of Hank.  One of the things that I'm trying is Qsymia - it's this weight-loss drug that's a combination of a couple of drugs.  Of course, since it's a weight-loss drug, heaven forbid that it be easy to acquire, and they won't pay any for it - I'm on my own there.  But since I have to get it through the Kaiser Pharmacy, and they want to make sure it safe (I'm ok there), after waiting 4 weeks for them to get back to me, now they want me to go get a pregnancy test done.

Yeah.  A pregnancy test.  They have access to my files there.  They know that I'm two years into having a kobold invade my uterus and start trying to claw his way out.  They know that I'm 50 years old, and my one attempt at pregnancy ended in a miscarriage before I actually knew I was pregnant.  They know that at this point, it's more likely that Mary will rise from her grave, head back to Bethlehem and give birth in another manger than I will get pregnant.

But let's just go ahead and rub my nose in my failure as a female just one more time.  If my doctor weren't on leave, I don't think this would have happened - she's great at protecting me from Kaiser's more insane contradictions, but sadly, she's out this week, so I'm left sitting here, crying.

Starting A New Diet (Again)

I'm working on getting my A1C back under control, so for the next few months, I'm trying (shudder) Jenny Craig.  I know, I know... but it makes sense for me right now to be able to positively track everything I eat, be able to identify exactly what carbs I have and when I have them, not have to think about and plan food - basically, exactly what Jenny Craig was set up for. 

I started today, and so far, it's not nearly as bad as I had feared - the food is edible (ok, the chocolate shake tastes a little like a brown crayon dipped in tepid water, but the chicken fajita bowl was surprisingly good).  Mostly just surprised at the amount of food... they've got me on 2300 calories a day, which seems like a lot more than I was eating, but we'll see how it works out. 

But I'm mostly posting because I've got to brag on our roommate, Daniel.  He's my emergency back-up husband and I figured I was going to need his help to get through this (that, and he really needed to be warned - I am sometimes not a pleasant person to be around when I'm food-deprived.)  At any rate, I hired him to be my diet concierge - do the shopping for me so that I don't have to get close to a grocery store, help me keep track, etc... and he made me the most incredible thing.

Yep.  That's right.  I have a sticker board!  And I've already earned a sticker for going through with this and getting started.  It's no wonder that Mom keeps threatening to steal Daniel and take him away to the wilds of Utah - he's the best Diet Concierge ever! 

Random Updates, Thoughts, And A Rant

I talked with my diabetic nurse yesterday - my A1C has been heading skyward ever since Hank moved in, and my last reading was 10.7 (most people are between 5 and 6, and before Hank showed up, my level was generally in the 7s.)  She wants me to switch over to a new type of insulin that's 5 times more concentrated than the stuff I've been using - it's worth a try (and I'm hoping that if I can get the blood sugar under control, I'll feel much, much better.

Dr Steiner had also ordered an FSH test for me - it's a test that can tell where you are in your ovulation cycle (or if you've gone into menopause.)  The higher you score, the more likely you are menopausal - I scored a 1.  Yep.  1 doesn't even show up on the results sheet - the lowest it goes is 2.  Atypical, yet again.  But apparently, I'm not menopausal yet, so the weird fevers I've been getting aren't hot flashes.  I've got an appointment next Wednesday with Dr. Wang, so...

Now for the rant... First, a little background.  Mornings are not my friend.  I have never in my life been a morning person - I used to be the person in the office that worked the 9 to 5:30 shift (which is odd for a fed - most of them seem to be disgustingly happy being morning people.)  It was nice, though - after 4:00, when the office starts to clear out, you can get a surprising amount of work done.  But then I married Roger, and started carpooling with him.  His office starts work at 7, which means he dropped me off at my office around 6:15 (he works about half an hour south of Portland.)  And he works a 5-4-9 schedule, which means that he gets off work at 4:30, picks me up around 5:30 (half an hour turns into an hour when you're in Portland evening rush hour).  It's part of the reason why I have to telework - I used to be able to do 11 hours in the office, no problem, but not with Hank weighing me down. 

But at any rate... our alarm clock is set for 5:00 am.  Not my choice, you understand, but by necessity.

For the past month and a half, 2 or 3 times a week, I've been getting a call from a fax machine at 4:36.  AM.  I repeat, A freaking M.  Apparently, this particular number (866-324-8417) has been pissing people off since 2007 - there's a 8 year old thread about it on one of the 800 number tracking websites, ascribing the number to various publicity/magazine/info sites.  I also received a call from a non-800 number (same fax machine, same freaking early hour of the morning) registered to Mobius/365 Media, so being the diligent googler than I am, I thought I would do some research and see if I could get off the list.  But it looks like 365 Media (the American part of the "synergistic" merger") has gone bust - all the information on the website leads to either out of service or passed-off phone numbers.  I did identify the American partners, and was really tempted to stalk them, but then I realized I was falling down Alice's rabbit hole, and instead spent 45 minutes talking to CenturyLink and getting them to block the number.  We'll see if it helps..

The Song Of Their People - No Caffeine, No Alcohol

D and I both had doctors' appointments yesterday.  Completely different issues, different body parts acting up, different systems, but the first thing both of them came up with was "no caffeine, no alcohol." 

Now, D and I are both insulin dependent diabetics (and I'm genetically Mormon), so neither one of us drink alcohol, and neither one of us like the taste of coffee, so caffeine isn't a big thing with either of us.  But it got me thinking - anytime I go in to a doctor with any complaint, the first thing (well, not the first thing.  The first thing is "did you know you're overweight") but the second thing is "no caffeine, no alcohol." 

Just wondering why those two are singled out - and why, if they're so bad for you, they're even allowed to be sold over the counter?

Memory Well: When Shadow Met Tawny

I went into the office again today - it was the first time since Mom went back to Utah.  Moose was naturally devastated (well, he was devastated between long naps), and he had his normal reaction to being parted from his Mama for more than 5 minutes (even if it's just in sleep) - my normally sedate (to the point of indolence) boy becomes a whirling dervish, determined to hump some body part - any body part.  He settles down fairly quickly, but it reminded me of Shadow.

Shadow in his "I rule this roost" pose - if you look up on Mom's lap, you get a glimpse of Tawny

Shadow was Mom's first dachshund, and I think the reason why we fixated on a) doxies and b) rescue dogs.  He had been found abandoned in a ditch as a tiny pup - half starved and with cracked ribs - and nursed back to health by a wonderful older couple, but they were taking off around the country in a motor home, and Shadow couldn't bring himself to trust the male half of the couple long enough to be lifted up into the home (and the female couldn't lift him.)  So, he came to Mom...  lucky, lucky dog.  Mom loved him like he was my brother - well, for all intents and purposes, he was.  In fact, he chewed up the seatbelts in the back of her new car, and got in less trouble for it than I did when I got into a car accident that was ABSOLUTELY not my fault.  But sibling rivalry issues aside...

Shadow normally was very comfortable living a sensible old man's life.  He had his rounds (the condo Mom lived in had a puppy happy hour every evening, where they would go visiting, collecting snacks from the neighbors), his comfy spots, his routine.  But then he met Tawny. 

I know - Frank from Men in Black, right?  But without the personality.

You know how sometimes they say that pugs are so ugly they are cute?  Tawny never quite made the cute stage.  But to Shadow, she was Botticelli's Venus, rising from the waves.  Apparently, she was in heat when they first met - about to be taken to the vet to take care of that sort of thing - and though Shadow had been... let's say de-interested in that sort of thing as a pup, she brought back species memories in him.  Boy did she bring back species memories.  The problem was that while his body was willing, his mind had no freaking clue about the whole process. 

He would spy Tawny from across the room, lumber over and commence to humping as though his life depended on it.  Now, I'm not saying that he was productively humping - 9 times out of 10, he would come in from the side, or the front, or the bottom, or anyway but standard doggy-style, but he was giving it the old college try.  For about 15 seconds.  Then he would forget what he was doing, wander off to get some kibble, or bask in the sun, or whatever, until 10 or 15 minutes later, he would notice her again, and the whole process repeated. For her part, Tawny mostly just seemed to regard him as a hazard that had to be dealt with in order to visit Mom, who had a superior level of treats.  I'm not sure what this says about the relationship between man and woman (or mutt and bitch, even).  But the memory can still make me giggle, so...

Placeholder/Bathroom Pron

Warning: Disgusting Medical Information Ahead

Time for the quarterly Hank the Tumor update:

So, for ULMS, he's being surprisingly polite - he has yet to start to redecorate any other major organ, and it looks like he hasn't grown much.  Unfortunately, having him hang around in the uterus is causing my cervix to start overgrowing again, which means it's only a matter of time until I recreate the whole Carrie paint-the-walls-red scenario that started this whole thing. Plus, it may help my whole "there's a rock leaning against my bladder" continence issue...

So, my doctor wants me to undergo vaginal surgery to remove the overgrowth, which I would be down with except:

a)  The whole sedation thing. Between the cancer, the diabetes, the apnea, the arthritis, the acne (ok, maybe not the acne), but as a whole, my body should have fallen apart 20 years back.  I'm nervous about not waking up, frankly.

b)  I'm two years in now, and the normal survival rate for ULMS is 50% at 2 years (that's with a total hysterectomy as soon as you're diagnosed.  The 5 year survival rate is 20%.)  As my doctor says, I'm atypical.  I'm nervous about poking Hank with a stick - it might wake him up, and I am enjoying the respite I've been given. 

So...  I'm going to go in and discuss it with her, see what she says.  Well, and go through the pre-surgical thing - I'm pretty sure they're going to tell me to go away and come back when I lose a couple of hundred pounds.  I'm ok with that.  But we'll see.

Mom's Left - Again

Since I was two (well, with a brief Bob interlude that we do not discuss), I've been an only child of a single mother.  Trust me, back in 1967 in Utah, we were bleeding edge.  I used to spend some time with Dad (not a lot), more time with Grandma and Grandpa... my point is, there was always leaving (and coming back), and I was generally the one doing the going. 

Then came my twenties and thirties - we lived together for a while, got to know each other as adults.  I learned to truly like her as well as love her - I'm lucky enough to be able to consider my mom one of my best friends, and I know and appreciate how rare that is.  At any rate, I would go visit her as often as we could manage - wherever she was, was home, but again, I'd always have to leave.

Now moving into my 40s - Mom started spending time at my house - at first it was just a couple of months each year, during the winter, but with the advent of Hank, she moved in to help me deal with cancer.  At first, we were afraid it was going to be a "help me die with dignity", but since Hank has been a courtly guest, taking his own time about things, it's kind of evolved into a Persephone-like 6 months with me, 6 months in Utah.  It's turned into her being the one who leaves.

Frankly, being the one left behind, sucks.  I hug her, watch her go, then immediately get dropped back into my life without her - a quieter life, one with less projects, less conversation, less shopping, blander food, less puppies... well, less Mom.  I'll get over it, readjust, get used to having more space - Moose has already gotten over it and is looking forward to being an only child again.  But it's easier to transition when there's movement, and being the one left behind just sucks. 

Guess I'll just have to look forward to November.

Back From The Beach

The family on our balcony

We had a really terrific time at the beach - managed to get four rooms all attached, so we had our own little hallway (which the puppies loved).  I really love going to Seaside - we parked the truck and then didn't see it again until we were ready to go.  Of course, Riley and Cassidy (and Ron) were more adventurous - they went zip lining and over to Fort Clatsop, but Roger and I were fine with just exploring the boardwalk and the beach.

The last night we were there, I was getting ready to go out for dinner, when everyone showed up at my room with a surprise party for me.  Such a wonderful surprise!  Well, for one thing, my birthday was back on April Fools Day, so it follows tradition, but also, I had no freaking idea they were planning anything like this.  We had purple forks, plates, a purple mardi gras boa for me... it was terrific!  Pizza and red velvet cake - you can't beat that.

Moose nervous someone is going to try to dress him in something

 

More tomorrow, but for tonight, I think my own bed is calling me - there's nothing like a hotel bed to make you really appreciate your own king size waterbed.

I Will Not Bow Down To My TurboTax Overlords!

Let's get this out of the way real quick - yes, Mother, I should have filed my taxes much sooner.  You taught me better than this.  I'll do better next year.  That being said...

I went to file my taxes using TurboTax - same as I have done for the past 20 years or so.  I typed in my username and password, same as always - when they come back with something like "For your safety, we need you to verify your identity by either using this old email address that you haven't used since 1995 (seriously, it was an @msn.com address) or answer this random set of questions about your life." 

Well, I didn't have access to the old email address (actually, it doesn't exist anymore - I think it was wiped out by Y2K), so I chose to go with the series of questions - and I failed.  Seriously - I don't know enough about my own freaking life to convince a computer that I'm me.  It doesn't help that I have this weird mental thingy where I can't remember events in my own life unless I'm reminded about them.  It also doesn't help that I've lived in way upwards of 30 different cities, most before I was 25.  I may have lived in Ventura briefly when I was 3 months old (actually, no - three months old, we were living a few blocks outside of Watts when the riots broke out - but I digress).  But mostly, do not try to check me on whether or not I'm related to a Delores Humphries.  Dad is one of 12, Mother is one of 4, they've both been married multiple times - last time I tried to count, I had more than 200 cousins... one of them is bound to be named Delores, I guess. 

So... I've lost my account - this would be the account that I had the username and password for.  I could get it back by putting in for a change of email, but considering that I've been using my work email with them for upwards of 20 years, and they aren't recognizing it - it's not worth it.  Way to waste 20 years of customer loyalty. 

Just A Quickie

It was a long day today, so Mom finally called it a night about half an hour ago and headed off to bed with Daisy, while Rog and I (and Moose and Dancer) stayed up to watch @Midnight.  (The thrills of being an old married couple never cease.)  Anyway, the MooseMan was acting restless, so I asked him (quietly) if he wanted an "outside".  By the time Roger had the door open, I saw this white flash of fur that I swore beat Moose outside by a good couple of feet - Daisy managed to get from the back of the house faster than Moose got off the couch.  She never passes up a good opportunity to give Roady (the dog next door who I swear has a head bigger than her entire body) a good barking to.  I would say she gets that from me, but let's face it - I come from a long line of mouthy broads. 

In other news, I'm feeling much better (fever finally broke), and I'm now learning how to make yarn baskets along with Mom and Daniel, so there's that.

Rough Day

It's storming, outside and in.  I've got one of those back of the head type headaches - not migraine level, just enough to make me hate most of humanity when I stop to think about it.  The low grade thunder is not helping any.  And while Moose and the girls are doing their best to help, this is more than their abilities can help with.

I've hit the wall when it comes to change. It's not that I can't deal with change - I spent most of my early life being marinated in it. But change can wear you out.  I'm down to the nub right now.  With both of my bosses leaving, and my family coming in to rip out my tub, and retirement heading my way...

Oh, hell.  It's not any of that.  Well, it's some of that.  But mostly, it's Hank.  I'm so damned tired of going around with this grenade inside me, wondering when it's going to burst.  Two years now of balancing between life and death, watching every footstep.  I'm already worn out, and any little thing can push me over the edge, both physically and mentally.  Sleep.  Maybe what I need is sleep.

Yo ho to ho!

I'm working downtown today, rather than teleworking.  I don't do it very often (12 hour days are really not my speed anymore), but I was hoping to track my boss down - of course, he called in sick, but that's life.

Anyway... since I was downtown, I went out to grab lunch from one of the food carts.  Portland has the greatest food carts, in my opinion - unlike most cities, they're generally stationary (mobile-enabled, but stationary), and you can get any cuisine you want as long as you're willing to go looking.  I've seen Ethiopian, Cambodian, a stand devoted to nothing but takomaki... everything.  Several of the parking lots downtown have converted their fringe spaces (the ones next to the sidewalk) to nothing but food carts, and my office is right next to one of the ground-zero areas.

At any rate - I was a woman on a mission (or at least a lunch run.) It being an uncharacteristically nice Portland day (there was an Unidentified Frying Object visible in the heavens), I had on my Terminator Bitch sunglasses.  You know the kind - they cover half your face and make you look surprisingly intimidating.  They would make Mother Theresa look surprisingly intimidating.  I also had my Ipod blasting "The Ride of the Valkyries".  You know, you can make pretty good time on a mobility scooter if you really put your wrist into it.  I had people half a block away getting out of my way.  It felt... empowering. I didn't actually bowl anyone over - in fact, I was very polite as I made my way along, but a little fear in the populace is good for one's soul.

Arrggghhh! It's AARP!

I was going through the mail this morning and there it was.  My AARP application card.

Ok, first off - who snitched?  I still have 3 days to pretend that I'm not 50.  Heck, I've got the rest of my life to pretend I'm not 50 - that's the great thing about being born on April Fool's Day.  I don't have to acknowledge it if I don't want to.

Second - this may be the first time I've regretted marrying a younger man.  Ok, he's just one year younger, but still... he does not understand the trauma here.  He's laughing and suggesting we find out which restaurants have senior menus.  It's ok - I'll get my revenge later.  He's a sound sleeper.  Very sound.

Third - I look at AARP kind of like the NRA.  They're an advocacy group, yeah - but they are also like the mafia.  Once you're in, you can't get back out - and the acts committed in your name are not always seemly.

On the other hand - there is that 10% discount...

Yet Another Hank Update (Good News!)

Henry the VIII, aka Hank the tumor, aka Fat Little Lady Killer

I heard back from Naomi (my cancer doctor's nurse) - the pap smear came back negative, and the biopsy on the polyp they found was benign.  So... looks like Hank is sticking to redecorating the uterus, and has not moved on to putting up drapes on the cervix, which is a big relief.  (Surprising as hell, but big relief.)  Apparently, I am maintaining my quirkitude.

Next step is April 18th - I go in for my CT scan (I know, it's a Sunday.  I guess they figure they've got the machine standing around idle, and they might as well make some money with it.)  At that point, we'll be able to tell if he's still just hanging out, or if he's growing inside the uterus. 

Thank you all for the prayers/well wishes/karma sending - I have no idea what is retarding his progress, but I suspect it has something to do with all the mental energy sent his way, and I'm incredibly grateful for all your help.  This latest scare was a real wake-up call for me, though, and I'm talking to Ralph tomorrow about retiring - while I'm proud to have been part of the Corps for the past 25 years, I don't want to spend the rest of my life there.  It's time to move on. Anyone know of a good part-time research librarian position opening up in Portland?

The Failure of Fluff

Dancer AKA Grunk (so named for the only word she utters)

This hair-challenged sweetheart is my sister, Dancer.  She's normally a very sweet dog (well, except for puppy psycho hour, that hour in the evening between 8 and 9 when she randomly attacks everything that moves, like a tiny, crazed, drunken Irishman.)  However, as you can see... she's having a bad hair life.  She's suffering from premature female-pattern baldness, she has a tendency to be very enthusiastic about her food (which, in the case of some leftover Spaghetti-Os the other week left her looking like an Oompa Loompa, orange from ear to ear and from topknot to ladybeard), and what hair she does have tends to go 18 directions at once on a good day. 

But tonight, she managed to top herself.  I don't know how she did it, but she managed to smear feces from one end of her tail to the other and over a significant portion of her backside (and over a portion of the front room through enthusiastic butt-scootching - thank god for hardwood floors).  I ended up having to cut out the worst of it, followed by a (whisper it) B-A-T-H.  She's now wrapped up in a towel on my lap, grunking pitifully every couple of minutes or so about the indignity.  Moose and Daisy have both come up to offer their sympathies (or possibly laugh at her), but she's having none of it...

Hank Update

Spring from the front of my house - I needed something to cheer me up

So... saw Dr Steiner today for what I hoped was just going to be a "you're doing fine, see you in 6 months".  Not so much...  she saw a new polyp that she didn't see before and ended up taking a couple of biopsies, so I'm back in waiting with my fingers crossed mode.  She has a new word for me, though - you survive 2 years of ULMS and they start calling you atypical.  Well, my sarcoma is atypical.  I'm going to prefer to think of it as quirky.  Very, very quirky.

I should have the biopsy results back in a week to 10 days (what a birthday present, hmmm?), and they're scheduling me for another CAT scan up at OHSU sometime in the next week or so, so I'll let you all know when I know.

For Shirley

I first met her in the weekly Cancer Support Group.  Ok, meeting someone at a cancer support group is kind of asking for pain - we're not talking about a group that makes actuaries salivate.  But she had something.

When I met her, she was wearing what I think of as dance-wear - leggings, an oversized sweatshirt with the word "Pink" on it over a black camisole, perfect makeup and a bold pink streak in her steel-gray hair.  She was a broad in the best sense of the word - the kind of woman you know will take no shit from anyone, yet always a lady.  Even though she was in stage 4 of her fight, she still worked as a costumer for local stage shows (I was so envious of her working Evita), and she had also worked as a makeup artist.  I think she had every single shade of eye shadow MAC ever made.

She also was one of the best advocates for making doctors pay attention to you that I've ever met.  She guided me to the point where I was able to get a discussion going with my doctor (after way too long on hold), and she was a fighter for everyone in the meetings.  Even days when she was down, she was still able to cut through bullshit.  And she gave great hugs...

I wasn't the most constant attender of the meetings - people started dying and I had a really hard time handling it.  Have I ever mentioned just how much I detest change?  Never mind, that should really be between me and my psychologist.  But I didn't show - sometimes for a couple of months.  When I showed up in December, I couldn't recognize her at first, until I realized that the much shorter woman in the pirate shirt and headscarf had to be Shirley.  Especially when she hugged me - that was definitely Shirley. 

She passed away Monday... and I'm sitting here crying over someone I didn't really know nearly as well as I wanted to.  I'll miss you, Shirley.

One from the Vault

Freedom

I felt his hand on my thigh, 

My hand caressing the stick shift.

I rammed the shaft into fifth gear and

Finally achieved freeway.

The sun-roof open, 

My hair flowed straight up into the wind.

The sunlight gleamed from his smile

And the sound of some testosterone-based

Heavy-metal, brain-numbing, emotion-altering

Paeon to youth and beauty and the American automobile

Screamed in our ears

As we bellowed along with it - 

Scaring cattle all along  

A 25-mile stretch of asphalt.

I knew that we were cruising

Along a path that led to his bedroom

But I felt secure enough to take my time.

For once, I didn't feel I needed to rush to get there

In case the winds changed.

We climbed along the back road up out of the gorge,

Feeling the smooth kick-out of the car

As I caressed it through the curves,

And landed at the pinnacle at twilight.

Just in time to stand there, at Vista Point,

Feeling his strong arms around me, 

As the sun disappeared below the horizon.

My Son Has Become A Morning Person

Where did I go wrong?  For most of my life, I was a night owl.  Well, ok, I could be considered a morning person, if you stretch the definition to early morning, as in going out for coffee at 2am morning person.  But waking up anytime before 8, I don't want to think about. 

And I know what I'm missing - for several years there, because I carpooled to work with Roger, I had to be out the door by 6 am.  It was my own little version of hell.  Sure, it was nice to be at the office with no one around to bug me as I sullenly slid into my work routine, but it wasn't worth missing the velvety embrace of Morpheus another couple of hours.

But now - my little Teutonic terriorist has decreed that he likes mornings.  And it's not enough for him to be up...  his mama must be up.  He's gone so far as to go wake up my mother, so that she can come wake me up.  His father can be up and around and perfectly willing to snuggle/feed/play with him, but that's not enough - he's still going to be stalking up and down the length of the bed, whining at me, and occasionally climbing Mt Midori-mama just to get me up and dressed and out into the living room where he can climb back into my lap... and fall asleep. 

Has anyone found the location of the snooze button on a miniature dachshund?  Let me know if you have...

Memory Well: Mother/Daughter Dynamic

Just saw a Red Carpet interview with Dakota Johnson and Melanie Griffith - of course, the interviewer went there and asked M about whether or not she had seen 50 Shades of Gray, and there was much discomfort... 

Reminded me of many years back.  A good friend of mine was into photography, and managed to convince several of us to dress up in elaborate garden party hats and jewelry (and nothing else) and have Victorian high tea in a cedar hot tub (complete with Davey in a tux jacket and speedo as the butler.)  They were lovely pictures - sepia toned, nothing explicit, and I was proud of my part in them.  For Mother's Day, I gave Mother a nicely framed shot, along with the hat.

She looked at it, and didn't say much, other than "Is that you?"   Until about 15 minutes later, when she popped up with "You know, if you were anyone but my daughter, I would love this."  Somehow, I think that's probably where Melanie Griffith is at. 

Incidentally, my friend went on to put his pictures up on the web on his website - and well he should,they were lovely and very artistic - but that's just another reason why I couldn't run for President - naked pictures of me exist somewhere on the internet.  What can I say, I was a trailblazer. 

The End of an Era

Rowdy, the Bingo Moose

Back in the 90s, when Roger and I first started dating, we went to play Bingo at Sunset Bingo Parlor over in Beaverton.  We figured it would be a cheap date - an entire evening's entertainment for (basically) $10.  He even got a $50 bingo, so it was all good - until I hit for a $1,000 jackpot.  That was it.  We were hooked. 

Over the course of about 10 years, we went regularly enough that the staff at Sunset all knew our names - heck, if I ended up going alone, they'd ask about Roger.  Rowdy (up there in the picture) was our mascot and good luck piece.  Good enough luck that we ended up buying him his own motorcycle (that was the night that I won both $1,199 blackouts for the evening - he earned that Harley.) 

But things always change.  We moved away to the east side of Portland, and started going less and less.  Moose the dachshund came along, and it was more fun hanging around with him than with the stuffed moose.  Hank the tumor came along and made it harder for me to get out and do things.  House payments made inroads on our entertainment budget.  We'd still get out there for special occasions, or when family was in town and wanted to play, but it wasn't as frequent.   

Last night, we decided to spend Valentine's Day at the hall - I know, it may not sound romantic to you, but Roger and I have never been a normal couple.  It was a chance to wear the new earrings he bought me.  However, when we got there, the place was plastered with notices that they were closing down the location and moving - we managed to get there on the second to the last night they would be there. 

We enjoyed the night - everyone still knew our name, the diner had a pulled pork special that was delicious, I got to yell "Bingo" (although my number was in the monitor twice on other games- I know, I shouldn't be greedy, but still...)  It was a little bittersweet, though.  We fell in love going to that hall.  It was a home, of sorts.  Even though we left, it's a little sad knowing that it's not going to be there anymore...

Memory Well: I Put A Spell On You

This is another of my reverse Bucket List posts - memories that make me smile and remind me that I've had a pretty good life.

Back in the 90s, before the implosion of the Drive In Theater industry, my friends and I used to pile into several cars (including my Bondage Bunny Mobile) and head out to the Foster Drive In.  We'd all get there early, park in a group, exchange various smuggled comestibles (and popcorn/hot dogs/ nachos from the shack because this was back before you had to take out a mortgage to buy a tub of greasy popcorn.)  Anyway, we'd make a night of it.

One night, we got there, and there was someone blasting his radio, playing really bad rap music at ultra club intensity.  I was there with the usual crowd, including Abe.  Abe was interesting - he occasionally sang in a band, and did the saddest slowed down version of "I Guess You're Just What I Needed" I've ever heard - and he also had the pipes to take on this dude's speakers.  Not sure who exactly started it, but he had our entire group doing the "da da da do do do" backup for him, while he screamed out "I Put A Spell On You".  It was a thing of beauty...


Silence descended on the drive in (well, other than Abe and the Abe-ettes) and for two minutes, the place was mesmerized.  He sang the last sentence.... there were crickets... and then that damn rap started up again.  Oh, well... you can't win them all. 

Sleep Apnea Issues

So, I have sleep apnea.  I've got pretty severe sleep apnea - I finally gave in and got my BiPap machine even though it made me claustrophobic when I realized I was falling asleep at red lights.  When I was the driver.  Turns out that I stop breathing around 70 times an hour when I sleep, so any sleep I get without the machine is pretty much useless.

On the whole, I love my machine - it keeps me breathing, it's relatively quiet, and it lets me creep out Roger by saying "I find your lack of faith in the force... disturbing" in a James Earl Jones/Darth Vader voice.  But when your head is a flaming ball of mucus and your life essence is trying to escape out your nose, it gets pretty disgusting, pretty fast.  Oh, and since this stupid cold has turned me into a mouth-breather, in addition to the mucus, there's a substantial amount of drool involved.  So, I'm up at 3:16 in the morning, waiting for the drugs to kick in so I can go back to sleep without drowning in my own fluids.  But at least now, I don't have to be the only one with that image in my head.  Good night, all...